Age should never be a matter to your success

I manage an anime page with a bunch of friends of mine, everything went rather smoothly (and slowly) and such and most are rather happy with the quality. There are also times when messages would begin to flood in and I would normally reply them one by one.

Until today, there's this message that began to tick me off after several replies. This was the message:

"I wonder why uta no prince* ain't famous in the Philippines , maybe it's reverse harem and short in episode but I envy the company of broccoli* ..... I want to express my anime ideas in the Philippines but it cannot happen because , our country doesn't have the technology like Japan have but I still want to express in for this country ..... Maybe I'm a little selfish , I think ...."

"Please reply"

* Uta no Prince-Sama is a Japanese animation series of an Otome game that were originally targeted to female audiences, also, the fanpage I'm running is a fanpage for this anime series.

* Broccoli is the company that makes the PSP game for Uta no Prince-Sama series from Debut, Repeat, All Star, Aria, MUSIC, MUSIC2... And recently announced their project of All Star After Secret. 

Everything has its own ways, it depends on whether you wanted to look for a way to do it, or not.

It was great to know that there are international writers that wish to contribute to the anime world and such, so I thought I shouldn't be so harsh in my reply.

"Sadly, we have no admins here that are from your country so we couldn't understand your situation well regarding your technology. 

In Japan, UtaPri series is actually an otome game on PSP. The anime is solely a tool to promote their game*, luring more female players in Japan to purchase the game. Also, Japanese normally only trust their own people, and they hardly trust foreigners, unless they have a friend in the company through recommendation, or so. 

You could try writing scripts and post them on popular websites, perhaps it would help you someday. I have a friend, that her friend posted a piece of artwork from DeviantArt and after a month or two he got scouted as a graphics designer because he's a really good drawer. 

Also, the character he designed is never like other that it attracted the eyes of that company. I wish you good luck from here. "

* This part is solely my opinion, actually. 

That's what I've told her, but as the conversation goes on, she began to ask things like 'How do I do this', 'How can I put my ideas', and I told her about starting to learn how to write a nice script in Japanese language and sending them to Japan, full of good intention and sincerity, until she told me this:

"Kind impossible cauze lm just 14"*

* I just copy and pasted her message and that is exactly what I received in my page's messages.

And I got obviously ticked off right at this moment.

Age is never something that restraints a person's abilities for this and that. I have friends that dropped her education and working as a businesswoman, and another one left his college and became the top sales agent, also, another one that leaves halfway in his college and knows more programming than I do.

I also have friends that could write essays that would intimidate me right at the moment I read their first paragraph, and they are younger than me. 3~6 years of age gap. So, my brain went "There's nothing called impossible because you are just 14 because my co-admin is at your age and she writes better than you!"

And I told her in a very straightforward manner that she should be the one to choose what to do with her life and how she should put effort if she really wanted to achieve something, because nobody is going to aid you forever in your life, and such.

And she dared to ask me 'I mean where', which I assumed she asked where she is supposed to send her things to, if she ever manage to write something.

And I went 'Alright, that ticks me off even more!' and shoved her a very serious reply.

"You have your technology to surf the net and look for addresses, just get yourself a script book, write, edit, and submit to the address by mail? 

I repeat, we aren't the ones that would help you on your own ideas, you know. You are the one that makes the decision for your own life, and what you are going to do with it. 

We don't represent anyone from any companies in Japan, all I could tell you is just this. 

Also, if you think that age is what limits you, then I have absolutely nothing to say."

And I ended the conversation out of rage.

Age doesn't matter, I'm serious. As long as you know that you have the potential for something, why not utilize your potential and achieve something great with it? Who knows that you might be the best person on Earth?

Seriously, nobody knows what lies ahead in the future, but you have to start working now or you will regret that you didn't someday.

It also doesn't matter if you are starting late, because I know a few lecturers that has their passion to write that they knew that they would start writing fictions after their retirement because work life is busy. At least they know that they are planning to do something, and what to do with what they like someday, too.

I repeat, AGE IS NEVER A MATTER TO DETERMINE YOUR SUCCESS. :>

Have a great day.

10 Things That I've Learned During My First Year

Hijirikawa Masato x Reader

"It's time..."

The blue-haired male gently covers you with his cotton blanket on his futon. After making sure that you are well-conditioned that you would be able to fall asleep quick enough, he stood up silently, and was about to walk away from his own bed.

Being afraid to be alone and hating yourself to know the fact that he is going to sleep on a couch or on the floor because of your presence in his room, because he is such a gentleman as your lover. What's more? You are staying overnight, in his room, and on his bed! So, somehow, your reflexes guided you to hold his hand instead.

"Hmm...? Doushita?" The startled male turned back to you, asking with a soft, gentle tone, full of concern.

"Is that so... You could have told me earlier, (name)..." Masato chuckled very softly after hearing your reply towards his question, and gave a serene smile with his actions as quiet as possible, being afraid that he may cause you to be unable to sleep again, and he gently lays down right beside you upon your request for him to stay beside him.

You did not expect him to compromise this easily, and you flustered a little with his presence right beside you. Out of courtesy and being afraid that he might be catching a cold, you shyly pulled the blanket he covered you with and shared it with him, then told him that you won't want him to leave anymore.

The serene smile appeared on his face under the dim moonlight that shone across the room, and all he did was pulling you gently into his warm embrace, with a short moment of silence.

A soft kiss on your forehead.

"Why would I leave a woman that loves me so much...?"

Your face began to flush red while secretly feeling so overjoyed that you could actually spend time with the man that you loved so much... Until then...

"What's more, why would I leave the woman that I've been deeply in love with for so long?" He smiled again, gently ruffling your hair for some moment.

One simple act, but full of his affection and love towards you.

Slowly, gently...

He planted another kiss on your soft lips with all of his tenderness.

"You have to wake up early tomorrow, so sleep now. Oyasumi, and sweet dreams. Aishiteiru."

Study Skills Workshop

Please hear my plea.

It's another tiring day.

Yesterday was a rather lousy day, I had to admit that. I tried my best to study while listening to classical music of Beethoven's, and I fell asleep on my desk for an hour or so. Mom went out and nobody noticed that I fell asleep so I continued sleeping until 5.30 p.m. and woke up by my extreme level of stomach cramp.

That pain stings into my stomach, like having something as huge as my water bottle piercing through my abdomen that my hands shivered and my body wasn't being able to move an inch until the music switches to my muse's song, I felt calmer and managed to drag myself all the way and collapsed on the bed, right before mom arrived home.

Mom told me to apply some oil on my tummy and I did, and I continued sleeping for 10 minutes or so but the pain extended to my entire back instead.

Being annoyed to the extremities because this pain of mine took away hours and hours of my study time, I ended up pasting some pain-relieving stickers around my back and went back to studying, but the stomach's cramp wouldn't end.

And I swear it was so frustrating.

So I ended up asked some help from mom to do some acupuncture again and the process was so painful that my limbs would tremble upon the pain. It ends up fine after I managed to grab a pillow and hugged it and everything felt better.

However, the pain strikes again, right before my class starts.

Please, just take away this pain... Just let it vanish...

I can't hold it any longer.

Another week, another journey.

Time sure flies, I've been on this blog for a week already!

It's a brand new week, and I wanted to look for inspiration and energy to bring myself to move forward to the next stage of my life, with hopes of improvement. Class is as early as usual, and it ends at the same time. I learned more on Activity Diagrams in OOM (Object Oriented Modelling) with UML in class today, and hopefully I could use them properly in my assignments.

Then, regarding personalities of managers and I find myself somewhat task-oriented if I'm becoming a manager. Though theories said that they would work best under environments where managers are in good terms, high task structure, and a strong position power, I do have doubts on the theories, somehow. It's true that having good relationship with subordinates would be easier for you to persuade them to work if they are willing to corporate, however, what happens if they used your relationship as a friend to give excuses on here and there so that they do not have to work, or expecting you to be lenient? That's a different story, but people like this are all over the world.

Either way, I'm thankful that the university bus is in service that I managed to catch up with the public bus that leads to a shortcut back home, and I saved an hour on travelling today. Then, brother managed to pass his driving exams after failing once, which is also a relief. It's truly a blessing from the Gods.

I will have a presentation that my slides are incomplete but I know that I could pass that subject test on Thursday, then another test on OOM after the presentation, I think. I'm no good in remembering theories, but I need to give it a try, no matter how, and I hope I would be able to do it, because I managed to memorize chemistry reports and history textbooks a day before the exams, so why not now?

But before that, I'll have to finish my database assignment to submit to the lecturer on Wednesday, then rushing for OOM assignment that I'll have to complete and have everything with the hardcopy (probably binded, too) to the lecturer on the following Monday as well. So far, the use-case diagram is complete that we have to write use case descriptions for each use case we had on the diagram (Around 11, if memory serves me right. Oh gosh why so little...). We were only required to draw three out of all the use case diagram into activity diagrams which we've drafted, and hopefully we are able to sketch the class diagrams, sequence diagrams and communication diagrams before Thursday so we could let our lecturer give advises regarding our assignment.

I don't know if it would be possible to cope with everything in a week, but I hope things would go well. Also, I need to get rid of this brain that continuously tells me to sleep, sleep and sleep. It's really tiring to not having any energy to do so many things that you wanted to do.

I'll need to look for some ways... Really soon.

The Sky

A place where it is unreachable,
A place where people think when we say ‘freedom’,
A place where it inspires us to invent,
And a place where we stare and feel relaxed.

It changes constantly, Beautifully, elegantly, mysteriously; It shows its beauty, But it also shows its anger, Causing disasters, pain and sorrow.

It's a place that I would stare at whenever I feel demotivated to continue my marathon runs in secondary schools, a place where it will cry whenever I am crying in pain, and a place that I would gaze into whenever I'm on road trips -- The sky.

You might think that the sky is just something common, something that we see every day, but it means a lot when you try to think while gazing at it. I could think of a story plot while staring into the sky, and it always motivates and inspires me.

"Don't look back, never feel down, Always head on, and never frown. Think of the good, and never the bad, Always be proud of yourself, and don't feel sad." Looking into the sky makes me realize that I can't change my past even if it is sad, but I have to stay positive and amend my mistakes now, so that I will live on with no regrets in the future. What happened in the past is what makes us to march towards the future, and our past experiences made who we are. If you know that there's a need for a change, then work from now, and you'll slowly find your way to a better future.

"You can do it, never feel shy, Because there is no limits, just the sky. There is always something beyond that. Aim for the heavens, and shine the brightest. Nothing can stop you from reaching at your highest." We have to be confident, because everyone is different and has different abilities. So, don’t feel shy, look forward, and work hard for the future. I believe that we can do almost anything if we just believe and do our best, and we will achieve what we want for sure. There is no use for you to compare yourself with other people that are greater than you if it demotivates you instead of driving you to work harder.

I used to be the person that compares around with my classmates and realizing that I lack so much of technical skills compared to most of them. It was saddening, demotivating, and it hurts. Until that one day when my lecturer told me that I possess ability in language and creativity on story-writing more than anyone else, and my ability to lead naturally, I am not anybody useless, too. Skills can be sharpened as well, so grab your chance whenever you can, and you will do fine with constant practice.

Try to think back into your past, when you were just a kid, have you ever wanted to touch the fluffy clouds and feel their softness? Have you ever wanted to understand the rays of sun as they pass through puffs of pillowy liquid? Or fathom what’s beyond, and realize what they hold inside them against the blue or pitch black sky? To be honest, until now, I still wanted to touch them, feel them, and use them as a pillow in the night. I mean, such boundless beauty in the sky, how could you not being amazed by it? What I've said just now was somewhat embarrassing, isn't it? Well, I used to think that it was, but not now.

Not anymore.

It's because of these dreams we used to have, people invented many things. This is why the first inventor of airplanes, the Wright brothers started inventing airplanes! They wanted to reach the sky! Since then, people started to invent jet planes, helicopters, and things beyond airplanes such as rockets for space flights!

Now, do you think that the sky inspires us? Yes, it does! The sky, it is the best thing ever. To tell the truth, I was depressed for months after I broke my leg because of an accident, I thought that I've lost everything for not becoming an athlete, since I used to be able to sprint faster than most of my peers did. I looked out my window everyday, watched and cried as the sky rains, and it always made me wonder what it's like to feel no pain. How silly I was.

The sky, you wouldn't know what's really up there. It sometimes reads your emotions, knowing how you feel. It is trying to inspire you in many ways, and constantly giving you hope. Every time I gaze at the stars, I always feel that there is someone watching over me, and giving me new hope whenever I feel down. There are always rainbows after the rain, telling that good things will be coming to us after something terrible happens. That is why I am able to face my future, and that is why I am here, hoping that I might be able to inspire someone someday.

Who knows? Perhaps one day, when you stare into the sky, you may feel inspired too!

Let's hope for the best from now onward.

Reader x Masakage

I listened to UtaPri's drama CD on Shining Theatrical Troupe and since I roleplay as Masato, I figured out that writing something inspired by the drama CD may help, so here I am! Hope to hear feedback or comments from you. <3

---

"Princess, leave it to me. I, Masakage, one of the top shinobis of the Saotome Ninja School, will not be defeated easily!" the blue-haired ninja shields the princess with care, glaring right into the enemy's eyes fiercely.

So, their mission was to assassinate his beloved princess, the princess that holds the fate to the unity of all clans in Kyoto?

He wouldn't give in this easily, not even for once.

Soon after he shields his princess, he threw a smoke bomb right away, ensuring that the the enemies sight will be affected and leads the princess to the escape path.

"Hime, please follow quickly." the blue-haired ninja whispered and held out his arm quick enough to pull you away from the fighting scene, and began to dash across corridors and secret pathways without pausing his steps.

You nodded quickly and followed. Though you are not an expert as your clansmen do, but you received certain amount of training just in case this situation happens.

And it happened. Right in front of you.

Both of you passed through underground tunnels and hidden paths in an amazing speed, avoiding the traps that the shinobis have built in the castle swiftly. The only thing that he had in his mind was to protect the princess - The one that he would risk everything of his to protect, even with his life.

Protecting you is more than just his duty, more than his pride, more than just victory in battles, and even more than the unity of the place that he shed blood and tears... It's his undying love towards you that kept him strong enough ever since he was really young.

For his current state, all he could do is to stay strong enough and ensuring that his beloved princess could live on, no matter how his fate leads him.

"Hime, are you fine right now?" He asked gently, while still being alert of his surroundings. He knew well that the enemies' skills are on par of his, that they might be able to trace their path even though he tried to conceal every possible track that allows their location to be leaked.

"Is that so... To be honest, I'm glad that you are staying strong for the sake of all the shinobis. I'm really grateful, hime." he gave you a serene smile, and bowed at you formally.

You shook your head and ordered him to get up right away. Being a little flustered for receiving compliments from the man that you love and being happy at the same time, you wished that you could spend more time with him other than these kind of situation.

But there's no time to feel that way right now. You know well enough that you are going to be assassinated as soon as you leave your guards down, so you sat up straight and pretended that nothing happened.

Right after he stood up straight from bowing, his gut feeling tells him that there is something odd. What's more, where did Syonosuke go? For his abilities, he shouldn't be defeated easily too. But why isn't he here...?

Could it be...?

It must be.

"Hime. We have to leave now. Syonosuke is fighting somewhere around here, so we had to leave, for your safety. I'm sorry."

As soon as he finished his words, he quickly piggybacked you and continues his search for another safe place, somewhere safe... Just for you to survive.

"A Shinobi's job is to protect your employer, and you devote your life to your employer until the contract ends." A voice echoed in the male's mind again and again that Masakage almost lost his ability to focus, but soon enough he managed to pull himself together and tries to flee from the castle.

Until the moment you hear footsteps that doesn't belong to you, nor the ninja that is carrying you...

"Masakage, behind you!" You whispered.

"Hime, I know. I'll definitely keep you safe, so do not worry. Just like what I've promised to you." he replied.

"How could he be so calm when the enemy chased up so quickly?" you thought. But then again, if it weren't for Masakage, you've been assassinated right on your futon, dying in your sleep.

"Sasasasasasasasaa..." The sounds of footsteps got closer and closer, and Cecilmaru appears and began to throw his shurikens towards your direction.

Almost startled at the speed of the enemy, Masakage jolted for a tiny moment. The blue-haired man knew well enough that he can't feel fear right now. The person that he's in love with... Her life, and her destiny is on his hands. He HAD to protect her, no matter what.

"Knocking on the wall jutsu!" he shouted, and a stone wall rose quickly from the ground and blocked off the shurikens.

Casting a few more illusion jutsus that he mastered, the enemy, Cecilmaru was distracted for some moment. Noticing that he couldn't lose the golden chance to escape, he ran towards the cliff.

However...

It seems that luck wasn't on his side as soon as he sees the brunette chased after him sooner than he thought.

Just... What is he?

He knew that it may be futile to continue fleeing with the princess this way, so he let the princess down and shielded her protectively for once again. "Hime, do not let go of my back. I'll fight for victory, and I will not give up, no matter what it takes."

As soon as Cecilmaru began to speak, the blue-haired male gave him a determined, and deadly glare towards the enemy. "Masakage, and princess... I don't need the two of you... All I need to do is..."

And the brunette began to grab his shuriken and kept on throwing the shurikens towards the duo continuously.

"Knocking on the wall jutsu!"

Another shuriken.

"Knocking on the wall jutsu! Knocking on the wall jutsu!"

And the battle lasts for another hour, until both ninjas started to breath heavier and heavier due to fatigue.

And the foreign-looking ninja began to summon a weird kind of jutsu...


"W-what kind of jutsu is this? This isn't even a ninjutsu!" the startled male shouted with rage, still shielding his princess protectively.

And the opponent only returned him with a smirk, and began to chant his magic at Masakage while shooting out more shurikens.

"K-Knocking on the wall jutsu!" the blue-haired ninja summoned another wall, but his has drained almost all of his energy that he wouldn't know if he could really survive anymore.

"You monster! You are using the spells of demons!" he continued shouting out of rage, glaring angrily at Cecilmaru.

But glaring wouldn't work on the enemy, and he knew that.

He need to make sure that the princess is kept safe, but there's no way out.

Just... How exactly would they be able to survive?

Thud.

The shuriken was an inch from his neck, cutting a few strands of his blue-hair already.

No good.

"Hime, please be careful. I'll protect you until the very end." he whispered quietly.

Thud!

Thud thud!

"Masakage! Be carefu-" You shouted, while starting to feel the guilt of having the man that you love for protecting you even if the chance of survival is tiny.

A shuriken just managed to hit Masakage, followed by Cecilmaru's constant damage of his magic, Masakage knew that he had to stay even stronger for this opponent.

Cecilmaru from the Shining Ninja School... Huh. He'll make sure that he would remember this opponent's name forever, and make sure that he would train harder and harder in the future to defend his beloved princess from people that are stronger than him.

"Hime, are you alright?" He asked with a soft tone, but you could hear him begin to pant in pain. It hurts inside, but you knew that something like this may happen.

Seeing him to protect you with such devotion... You couldn't help yourself but to pray that things would be fine soon.

"I'm fine. This is what shinobis are for. We are trained to endure these pain, so I'll be fine." the blue-haired male continued his words again, hoping that you wouldn't feel too emotional over the situation before you.

"...Nyakanyaka!" Cecilmaru continued his magical attack, and Masakage pulled out a scroll to summon another wall to protect himself from the attack.

Again and again, one wall after another...

As soon as he realizes that he's overusing his jutsus that will wear him out, the protective walls begins to fade and Cecilmaru's magic attack hits Masakage, right onto his chest.

Then another blow of magic attack on the same spot, then to his legs... Repeating his attack until he is able to kill both you and Masakage.

"I won't give up! And I will not hand her over to the likes of you! " Your protector yelled with his spirit, and continuously blocking the attacks in your place. He pants even more frequently, but he is trying his best to stand up straight and returning the attacks.

With a couple of hand gestures, he managed to deal some damage to Cecilmaru with his hidden jutsu, but the damage dealt on the magician was so much lesser than he thought.

He knew it. His chakara is depleting so rapidly along with his stamina.

Curses.

In that split second, Cecilmaru managed to hit Masakage on his chest with his magic again, and this time, it hit him hard.

And your protector coughed blood from the attack and fell on the ground on his knees.

"Hime... R-run... Flee from this place, and l-leave this to me..." He coughed once more, and trying to assure you that he will be fine.

But the both of you knew that it wouldn't be.

"Hime... Please... Go now, stay alive, and stay safe." He placed an arm on your head, and this time, he stared into your eyes with his warm affection, and slowly caressed across your face to wipe off the dirt and the traces of tears away.

It's the first time, and it will probably be the last time that you will receive his kindness like this.

And you saw Cecilmaru preparing for another attack again.

Without saying a word, you pinned Masakage on the ground, and blocked off the attack for him instead.

Fortunately, it didn't harm you too much, but your arm gotten a few scratches from the attack.

"H-hime! What are you doing? Y-your arm!" Masakage quickly look into your arm worriedly, and you could see his pained look while examining your injuries.

"Hime... I've told you that I'm the one should be protecting you..." He held you tightly, whispered with a broken voice while trying his best to compress his sobs. "Nn...? You don't want to see people getting hurt anymore...?"

He let out a sigh, while placing an arm on your head again. "You are the one that I'll be protecting with my life, and I'll fight for anything for you, to bring peace for you. Please... Don't do anything like this anymore..." he smiled bitterly.

"It... hurts to see you being hurt... Please..." He muttered quietly.

And he pulled you right into his embrace, after knowing that Cecilmaru wasn't able to pull off an attack after casting too many spells in a go.

"Hime... Please, go now."

"Hime... Please, go now," Masakage pleaded.

And this, is the first time in your life that you hear him to sound like he's about to break down into tears due to emotional pain. You can't help yourself but to feel the pain that makes your heart to throb in pain.

The pain in your heart, it's worse than any of your wounds that you had on your arm after protecting your beloved Masakage that is already badly wounded, and yet...

"Go!" the blue-haired shinobi begged, for once again.

"Honyakanin, honyakanan..." the brunette from a foreign country is trying his best to pull off another attack towards Masakage, but somehow, that spell of his didn't work too well.

Realizing the situation, you held Masakage tightly and refused to let go, hoping that he would at least understand that you are seeing him as somebody that is more important than anyone else, more than just childhood friends... more than anything.

"H-hime... Please... Don't do this..." Masakage pulled you into his warm embrace for once again, allowing you to bury your head into his chest, since he somehow managed to know that you aren't feeling well to leave, either.

What's more, with your limited skills and training, fleeing may not be a good option without him by your side, too.

"(name), it's not the time to cry, it's not the time to cry, you have to stay strong for him, and look for a way where both of you could live together!" you chanted silently to yourself, praying to Kami-sama, hoping that this havoc would end in an instant.

While Cecilmaru is being confused on why his spells aren't functioning alone, Masakage, somehow, decides to comfort you with his tenderness, hoping that you will feel emotionally better, for the least.

"It will be fine, princess. I promise to you, with my life, and my name of Masakage," he whispered gently while you are still burying your head within his embrace and holding him rightly, and pets very, very softly from the very top of your head, slowly along with your length of hair.

You nodded, while both of you are slightly embarrassed of such closeness among the two of you, but somehow the two of you didn't mind. (Since the two of you secretly loves each other and were being such a dere of not telling to each other.)

And the fight between Otoyaemon and Syonosuke somehow reached the top of the cliff and caused major collapsing of rocks and soil.

"Knocking on the wall no jutsu!" Masakage casts another spell, and this time, protecting the stoned Cecilmaru along and the three of you are saved.

"Hime, daijoubu ka?" Masakage asked again, while you were clinging onto him so tightly because you were so afraid to let go, and being afraid that he would disappear, too. You didn't say anything because you are somewhat surprised, that he chuckled softly for a short moment, telling you that he will protect you and there is really no need to worry about anything.

Cecilmaru thanked Masakage, while Syonosuke managed to help Otoyaemon to get rid of his annoying clones that even Otoyaemon is confused by the clones and now, the two clans of ninjas gathered once again, and are prepared for the real fight.

Just when everyone are about to begin, the sounds of firework appeared from the other end of the cliff, signifying to the enemy clan that they have to retreat.

Now that everything ended peacefully for today, it's time for all of you to return to the castle to make plans for escorting you to another castle, since there will be another time where the enemy would return for the assassination again.

"Let's go?" Masakage asked, reaching an arm to you with the lightest tint of blush.

You nodded, and held his hand.

Syonosuke was all surprised, of course, but you told him not to bother and made him to stay quiet using your position as the princess, and somehow, he actually walked ahead of the two of you a little, mumbling random words quietly...

And the two of you continued holding hands while flustering like crazy on the way to the castle.

--- The End ---

That's all for today! :>

You reap what you sow.

Had two tests in a row today. First was Programming in C#, then Database in Oracle. I somehow screwed things up because I'm still no good in maths, and I forgot that one important command that determines my paper's grade, and I regret it.

I can't blame it to others, I just had to blame it to myself for taking my own sweet time to nap and also, my inability to complete my pile of assignments, once again. I used to be able to endure high amount of stress, but this time, it seemed like I'm turning more... fragile that I cried several times in this month.

I wondered why, and what happened to me that caused my structure to change drastically, both physically and mentally. Or did I overestimate myself in the past?

Still, it has to do with different factors, I suppose. I shall look for motivators to motivate me to work harder. Somehow, I managed to grab boxes and boxes of Pocky everyday and reward myself with a box or two after tests or presentation, telling myself that I've finally went through this terrifying and horrifying period. However, there are more to come, so I'll have to work harder, too.

I don't know about which type of Pocky may suit your taste, but Double Chocolate and Maccha are my favorites. I'm not the type that likes peanuts on my Pocky, so I'll normally go for normal ones.

Oh, speaking of effort, yesterday was the release of SPM results for those that are born in the year 1996! (Or some 1995). Knowing that many of the juniors I know from different school obtained straight A's or excellent results, I'm really happy.

However, hearing that there are a few juniors of mine getting straight A's because of cheating in the exam hall from another junior that I believe her credibility...

It hurts. It just hurts so much that it gives me shame.

So let's just say that you are lucky for not getting caught in your act of cheating. What happens if you get caught? Do you know how serious this matter will be? It isn't just about failing your SPM paper and you will be penalized or even being kicked out from the school without graduating, but your school's name and pride is placed on the line, too! The examiners are teachers from different states, or perhaps other famous schools in other states. Do you want to let that examiner to go around and tell her students like "Oh, this school's students like to cheat in examinations!" and perhaps that may lead to generalization that KL students like to cheat!

As for a student that graduated as the role model, nope. I don't want myself, or my school to be labelled that way. Never.

Perhaps your SPM seems important to you, but let me tell you this. Nobody bothers about your SPM results at the moment you enter tertiary studies. You don't enter college and ask around "Hey, how many A's do you have for SPM?" 

No! Nobody gives it a care, whether you graduated as a top student or not.

In tertiary studies, your abilities to work as a university student plays a great role. However, it's rather sad to say that Malaysian students are mostly unaware of this and they just took their opportunity for studies for granted, without the right attitude and the right mindset. I'm here to tell you that tertiary studies isn't just something that you enter college or university, obtain a degree certificate and that's it. 

NO! You learn to bear responsibilities, and learn to grow up and face reality. It's NEVER just about certificates or CGPAs. Who the hell gives a care of your CGPA when you are able to work like a professional? Also, if you score a distinction and gets a first class degree, but your morality is long lost that your heart is so cold for this and that, do you think that it makes you successful? 

No, either.

You may think like this:
"Oh yay I'm finally free form this stupid secondary school with stupid uniforms that toasts me every single day and with all these stupid rules that I have to comply with, bla bla bla..."

Am I right, SPM leavers?

It's a wrong mindset, but don't worry. I was in that state, too. Now, I'm telling you this. In tertiary studies, you can play all you want, skip all your classes if you want as long as someone signs your attendance and you don't get yourself barred from the final exam and managed to pass. (I skipped most of my Physics tutorial in college, so yeah but now I regret it.) 

You can make lots and lots of friends, and you may want to go to cafeteria or gyms or badminton courts during your 2 or 3 hours break, or even going for outings after your mid-terms and such. Sure, go ahead and have fun! University life isn't all about books and studies like I've mentioned before.

HOWEVER, the more freedom you get, you'll have to pay with higher amount of responsibility. The more you skip your class, the higher the failing chance for you, and the lower chance for you to get a scholarship for a bachelors degree, and there you go, having your parents nagging at you all over again. (These are just one of the examples, but seriously, suit yourself. It's your life.)

It's now up to you on what you think you should do or not from this moment onward. 

I've said my piece of mind. It's all up to you now. 

Health is more important than anything else.

Another day, with another drop of tear.

Yesterday was rather horrifying, too much happened that are not within my control.

I told dad that I feel like committing suicide for numerous of times ever since I am trying my best to overcome these pile of stress that piles up day after day, after I realized how important it is for me to obtain a first class degree.

I tried my best to calculate the possibilities for more than three hours,and it is impossible anymore even if I am able to score GPA 4.0 for every trimester, since that two C+s of mine drags my CGPA down to a trash level, and I felt useless, so useless that I couldn't even cut off dad's financial burden.

Even though dad said that he saved enough for our education, I can't bring myself to trust his words, due to many reasons, that is.

I just... Can't.

Looking back to the me that was in my first year of secondary school -- A weakling that doesn't even know how to speak or to even understand proper English, proper Malay and a moderate level of Mandarin and Cantonese, someone mentally weak that made rather funny things that was being teased and bullied verbally by seniors, in a way that I felt like "Why do I deserve this? I'm just going to quit that school and that's it I'm not going to be a prefect anymore!"

Emotional stress has gotten into me for months and months, and somehow, I made it through the junior training, but the bullying doesn't end immediately. Right on that moment, I realized that I needed power, achievements to attain pride. At least, to me, if I could obtain all those achievements, I can shove them up to their face that I could achieve better than these bunch of bullies and show them that they suck.

Also, thanks to a friend that taught me so much on how important English language is, and my Malay teacher (Also my friend's mother) that was (I believe she still is) so passionate on teaching the language, and trying hard to tell me on what and how I should do to improvise my language. Thanks to these people around me, I've realized so many things that my language boosted from a pathetic level to something that could be shown to the world as a normal student.

I believe that I'm being blessed by the Gods (I'm a Buddhist), that I was able to obtain straight A's in PMR examinations and entered the science stream. Though, I've thought of switching to arts class because all these Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Additional Mathematics (and other crap) are giving me too much stress to cope with the lesson. It felt like my classmates were all pure geniuses and I'm just here, being an idiot throughout the lesson and ends up copying others' homework.

Grades for the first test was rather poor, too. And I sulked for the entire week because... Never for once in my life I had such poor grades back when I was in primary school or the years before PMR so yeah I did, sulking here and there, while trying my best to devote myself into my prefect job and pulling myself back together on how I should struggle over these years because...

For each time I see those seniors' face, and sometimes they would just enter my class during free time and saying things that aren't too pleasant for ears right behind me... All I felt was anger and the sense of wanting a revenge.

Oh, that was also the year when I started as a commander in the Girls' Guide marching band. It was hell, and yeah my band lost for the first year of my conducting because I was being inconsiderate and such. (Just how stupid was I back then?) And I felt so much shame for causing the entire team to lose, but I've made my decision to try harder in the following, and also my final year in the school.

As for the revenge part, it drove me so hard to study and ace my tests here and there, though there were subjects that I wasn't good at (Especially history and maths), but arts was something that I had my pride on, and that subject somehow pulled my grades back to the top and I maintained my ranking on the top of the class for the next three tests.

Then, elections for different posts in prefectorial board. (It's like board of prefects or you could just call it as a students' council, whichever that suits your liking.) and I received my post as a discipline advisor on that stage, right in front of those seniors that used to tease me back then. They whispered, threw glances that are showing signs of discrimination and such. (They resigned from being a prefect, and somehow became delinquents but heck it I'm now achieving more than they do.) It wasn't pleasant, but I knew my responsibility, not just for the same for the post and revenge, but the responsibility for the school's name and students in the school.

That name of the position, gave me so much of pressure that I even doubted my ability;
That name of the position, gave me an idea on the weight of bearing a name with pride;
That name of the position, gave me so much of experience in my life...
And I'm now thankful to my school, for them to give me this chance when my abilities were seriously doubted by primary school teachers just because I volunteered to be a prefect (And of course, I didn't because I was so quiet that they couldn't see what potentials I had.)

So yeah, thanks to that position that I had, I knew that I have to be serious and firm enough to make sure people would listen to instructions and follow the rules, even though I had to admit that I knew that the rules were rather absurd from time to time, and I could have suggested better implementations but... I didn't and I just went on until those seniors disappear from my sight.

I thought I've finally achieved my freedom from those bullying, but no. Until the first two months of my final year in secondary school, also, the year of SPM examinations, I wasn't able to manage my time and balance the weights of everything that I had to cascade my studies a little, and my rank dropped from first to second.

And the best part was, my drop in rank is the cause of celebration of other classmates.

"Hey, congratulations on beating her grades! Let's celebrate in Pizza Hut!"

Those words, straight from one of them, and I was in the scene. They hurt me so much, and they had no idea on the kind of pain that I bear, and how much of hatred I felt back then, but I just managed to let go, and climbed all the way back to the top for once again.

And also, for my marching team, that year consists with mostly my juniors that I'm closer with, and they are all cutie pies and willing to cooperate. I somehow managed to control my rage over matters, and yeah, we won the first place! And I completely forgot the celebration and studied all the way until one of them came to my classroom and literally dragged me to the canteen, which was two weeks later.

And starting from that moment, I managed to balance off my study time and things around that I could complete my work in school and played my PS3 happily at home for hours and hours, then tuition class for three times a week, and the time for the real exam arrived. Answered with mild level of confidence, and I graduated with the title of...

The scariest discipline advisor in legend. 

"What the hell," I thought, but yeah, at least that would be something for my teachers to remember. Hah!

Comparing to who I am right now, I'm not /THAT/ scary but I could be that scary when I want to and yeap. So much happened and I entered college with a full scholarship and here I am, studying my bachelors.

But right now, with this kind of stress that overtakes me, it's suffocating that I cried.

But I can't just leave my family or people around me in a selfish manner.

I got to do something.

And I will.

As usual.