６☆ Trajectory with Charlie: Heart at Peace || Light and Night 光与夜之恋 查理苏・我心降落

 

Trigger Warnings: Abandonment, death, mental illness, suicide, fire, depression, insomnia, usage of drugs and alcohol etc.

Disclaimers: This is a new feature in Light and Night. For this card, there's no dates but the new system allows you to see 6 different parts of the character's past, consisting of either voice clips or short stories from the Character's POV. They are all pretty dark.  Please read it at your own risk. Take pauses when needed. Remember to breathe when needed.

Recover: 23 Years Ago, Summer Night

"Riding the merry-go-round and Ferris wheel together, buying cotton candy and heart-shaped balloon, is a promise between Mommy and I."

Just when the broadcasting animation is now playing the part where the prince is pointing his sword towards the monster, somebody pushed the door open.

"Charlie, it's really late now, you should go to bed."

Hearing someone coming, I happily spread my arms open, throwing myself into mom's warm embrace, her waterfall-like long hair are like the seaweeds of the deep seas, her voice is also as gentle as the bubbles of the water surface.

As I breathe in the sweet floral scent in her embrace, I started telling her the happenings in school--

The flowers on the classroom's windowsill have bloomed, the cake during lunchbreak were delicious, there's a child being sad after tripping down.

"Then how about you, were you a good boy?"

"Yes! I was being a good boy!"

I've determined to hide the fact that I was the one tripping the child down from her, raising my head as I saw her smiling eyes, I somehow felt a little weird.

"Mommy, why are you always staying at home and unable to fetch me home?"

"Is it because those bodyguards in black that has been watching you, and not allowing you to go out?"

Mom shook her head. Then put on a smile.

"That's not it, there are a lot of things at home that I need to do, so mommy has no time to go out. Also, daddy doesn't like mommy to head out too."

I tilted my head, unsure why I managed to see some loneliness and longingness from mom's crescent eyes.

"Then leave the chores to me, with this mommy will have time to go out!"

"My little silly boy, if you're staying to help mommy on chores, then who will be going to school?"

Mom reached out an arm and gently tapped on the tip of my nose.

I pouted, still feeling unhappy on how mom's still seeing me as a kid.

"But the other kids in school can go to the theme park with their dads and moms, I am the only one that go there with Mr. Bodyguards. I wanted to visit the theme park with mommy too!"

"Mommy, have you been to the theme park?"

"Why would I not have been there?"

A sliver of reminiscence flashed before her eyes.

"That was a very long time ago, back then you weren't here yet."

"Daddy and I played the merry-go-round and Ferris wheel together in the theme park, bought the largest cotton candy and heart-shaped balloon..."

Mom's breath seems to be as sweet as her voice, like a continuously boiling sugar syrup, burbles as it bubbles, yet carrying a sliver of bitterness that is hard to notice when the bubbles burst.

I quietly took a deep breath, and I can't help but to think: I must get into the top three in exams next time, letting daddy agree to let mom go out, then I can ride the merry-go-round and Ferris wheel, and buying cotton candies and heart-shaped balloons with mommy.

"Mommy, you have to go to the theme park with me next time!"

"... Of course, it's a promise from mommy."

"Then we'll have to make a pinky promise!"

"Cross you heart, hope to die. Stick a needle in your eye. Jam a dagger in your thigh. Eat a horse manure pie!"*

*T/N: Pinky promise phrase.

Recover: 22 Years Ago, Summer Night

"Charlie, do you want to play in the theme park with mommy?"

On a scorching summer afternoon, mom suddenly asked me this question.

She half-squatted before me, using her soft fingers to gently touch the top of my head, with her gaze full of gentleness.

"Of course I'd want to!"

I nodded vigorously.

Perhaps it's because it has been a long time since she was last outdoors, mom has always been looking depressed, I have not seen her smiling for a long time.

"Then the two of us sneak out, don't let daddy notice us."

"Sure sure!"

I used up all my tricks, only left with throwing a tantrum and rolling the floor, and finally managed to convince Mr. bodyguard to smoothly head to the theme park with mom.

There are many children in the theme park, they are all holding hands with their dads and moms, putting on the purest smiles on their face.

I held mom's hand tightly, and put on a huge smile over my face-- it's alright, now I'm one of them too!

"Mommy, what are we going to play?"

"Are there anything you'd like to play? How about mommy accompany you to all of them?"

"Then I wanted to first go to the merry-go-round, then to the Ferris wheel, then..."

I repeated every attraction that I could remember, yet before I could finish playing all of them, I've already gotten so tired I couldn't walk anymore.

"Charlie, don't be stubborn anymore, let's rest for a bit."

Mom tied the largest, prettiest purple balloon onto my wrist.

"Mommy searched for a while, there aren't heart-shaped balloons, but isn't this also looking really pretty?"

"Yeah! I like this color!"

I can't stop swaying my hand, watching the balloon above me to sway along with my movements,  embellished with a layer of golden light by the setting sun.

"Wait for here a little, mommy will buy you a chocolate ice-cream cone."

Hearing this, I immediately turned my head over, nervously looking at mom.

"I'll go with you too!"

"Who was the little boy saying that he can't walk for even a single step more, and wanting mommy to carry him?"

Mom bend down her waist, finger brushing over the tip of my nose.

"Be a good boy and wait for me here."

Just when she straightened her body, the bodyguard that understood her intent immediately followed over.

Mom winked at me, I immediately understood, passing my little backpack into the bodyguard's hand.

"Mister, please carry this for me, don't go too far off okay?"

After giving it a thought, I circled the purple balloon in my hand onto mom's wrist, making sure it will not float away.

"With this, as long as I can see the balloon from afar, I'll know that mommy is back!"

Mom stunned for a moment, she quickly blinked, it seems like there's something shining in a light in her eyes. Like the water surface rippled by the winds, and also like undercurrents in the depths of the waters.

"Yeah, if you see a balloon, then mommy is back..."

The winds brushes past her slightly curled long hair, with the afterglow of the sunset dragging her shadow into a very, very long one. I stood there, seeing her walking into the lights of the theme park that are gradually lighting up, step by step.

From afar, I can still see the purple balloon hanging up in the skies.

But on that day, I've waited until all of the lights in the theme park have extinguished, until the midnight where the world has became quiet and lonely, I still didn't manage to wait for mom's return.

Evoke: 10 Years Ago, During Summer: 400 Degree Celsius 

At night, the loud sounds from the fire engine have brushed past an old street. Charlie followed his as he sat in the compartment. lightly clenching onto his palm that is sweating due to nervousness.

As a new joiner of a firefighting volunteer, he didn't expect to be met with a dispatch mission on his first day of official duty.

Mark, who's sitting beside him, seems to have noticed his nervousness, raising an arm to pat on his shoulder.

Mark: Don't have to feel so nervous, just follow me closely when we enter the scene of fire later.

Charlie nodded, tensed emotions are now slightly relaxed. Mark, the person in charge of leading him is a senior, although his temper is a little bad, but he is extremely reliable.

Mark: But why is a rich son like you thinking of being a firefighting volunteer?

Mark looked like he's just casually making small talks, so Charlie can only smile.

Charlie: Because being a firefighter looks really cool.

Hearing their conversation, an old firefighter sitting in front of them shrugged helplessly.

Firefighter: Look, yet another newbie that won't stay for long.

Mark: Who doesn't know being firefighter is hard labor with a short career life, it's not bad if there are people joining us.

Mark seemed to recall something and shook his head, then looked towards Charlie.

Mark: Actually I started working in this industry because I thought it was cool too! Also it's because of this reason I managed to court my wife...

Mark began to talk about the romantic past with his wife again, Charlie leaned backwards to the compartment, suppressing his complicated thoughts under the bottom of his heart.

Not long after, the fire engine arrived outside of an suburban house, everyone immediately carried their equipment as per training and get ready to put out the fire and their rescue mission.

The owner of the house is an elderly living alone, because of the untimely lodge of report, the fire has swallowed half of the house, spreading to the nearby forest, the situation is not looking well.

The fires spreading ruthlessly are looking particularly scary in the dark night, scorching heat seems to have almost lit up the air.

Even with weeks of training, Charlie, who has first arrived the scene of fire still felt discomfort.

He followed tightly behind Mark, until the fire is slightly under control, they rushed into the house to search for the elderly that has yet to make his escape.

The visibility in the smokes are extremely low, with violent sounds of crackling wood on fire could be heard, the aren't much time left for them.

Charlie: Mark! He's here!

Charlie found the old man fainted in the dining area, he quickly checked the old man's pupils and pulse of the old man, but noticed that it's too late, the old man is no longer showing signs of life.

Mark: I'll carry him. It's very dangerous here, we'll retreat immediately!

But Charlie did not follow his footsteps immediately, a sliver of hesitation flashed past the youth's face.

Charlie: There are two sets of cutlery on the dining table, there might be other people here!

Mark: This old man is living alone for a long period, there won't be other people visiting him at this period! Retreat! Right now!

Sweats rolling down from his forehead, Charlie stood on the grounds, and it seems like he saw the face that passed away in the swaying lights of fire. 

Charlie: You retreat first, give me five more minutes!

Ignoring Mark's loud voice to stop him, Charlie turned around to rush up to the second floor.

One room after another, the fire seemed to be growing more fiercely, and breathing is getting increasingly difficult.

Finally, Charlie tugged hard to open the cabinet door, and found a little boy fainted inside.

He trembled as he pressed onto the boy's carotid artery, and felt a weak beating pulse, a happiness of salvation flashed before his eyes.

But at the same time, the window frame in the room has collapsed from its incapability to withstand the fire, carrying the fires as it collapsed to their back.

"Bang"-- Mark, who has went out and returned, kicked the window frame away, growling in anger at Charlie.

Mark: Don't you want to live anymore?!

Charlie: Mark? Why are you--

Mark: No more nonsense, hurry up and go!

Until they have rushed out from the scene of fire, the ambulance has brought the little boy and sped towards the hospital, only then Charlie has finally let out a breath in exhaustion.

But what awaits him was Mark's roar in anger instead--

Mark: I don't want to see an disobedient idiot that doesn't follow orders and command who acts abruptly like you sacrificing before me ever again!

Charlie: Thank you for rescuing me just now, but I insist that I wasn't doing anything wrong!

Charlie met Mark's blazing gaze directly, with no intentions to avoid them.

Charlie: The duty of a firefighter is to put out fire and rescue lives, I am only here to carry out my duty.

Mark: Rescuing lives doesn't mean to sacrifice yourself beforehand! You don't have to follow us in the dispatches for the next few days, go back and write a review report to me.

Mark's voice sounded hoarse, as if he's completely worn out. He waved his arm towards the medic coming over, and left the scene in a hurry.

Few days later, Charlie have never met Mark again, he can only head to the hospital himself to visit the boy he rescued from the fire.

After coaxing the little boy to sleep, Charlie walked out from the ward, only to see a familiar silhouette rushing past him.

Mark looked extremely pale after days of not seeing him, his condition looked extremely terrible. He subconsciously followed over, only to finally stop outside of a ward. 

The doctor's voice faintly wafted from the ward, only then, Charlie realized Mark's wife was once a firefighter too.

During a time of rescue a year ago, in order to rescue a suicidal young mother that refused to leave the scene of fire, his wife fell down from a high place by accident, and has yet to regain consciousness until today.

Suddenly, the image of Mark angrily waving both of his arms before he left resurfaced in his mind--

Full of black dust and scars, the extraordinarily eye-catching hands with dried blood, was granted with the meaning of salvation. 

With a sound, the tightly shut door is suddenly pulled open, Mark, with slightly reddened eyes, stunned at the sight of Charlie standing at the entrance.

Charlie: I'm sorry.

Charlie seriously bowed towards him, yet Mark didn't ask him for the reason of his apology, only to leave him with a cold-sounding scoff.

Mark: Done writing your review? If it's less than 3,000 words, then don't return to the team anymore.

Recover: 9 Years Ago, Late Autumn

Dr. Alan: Have a seat. You may call me Alan.

Charlie: Hello, Dr. Alan. There were things happening recently, I wish to look for some help.

Dr. Alan: You don't look like you're in a good condition. Relax, don't feel stressed, you may tell me your troubles.

Charlie: I've been having trouble falling asleep recently.

Dr. Alan: Can you tell me, about how long have you been having trouble falling asleep?

Charlie: Actually I've been continuously having trouble sleeping for a very long period, but I can't fall asleep even with the help of medication. I've tried various methods, but they don't work at all, I am still unable to fall asleep for the whole night, and could only watch the skies to brighten up slowly.

Dr. Alan: When you were unable to fall asleep, what were you thinking?

Charlie: A lot were on my mind, the past, the recent happenings. It's also possible where I don't think of anything, just like it's full of thick mists, nothing is clearly understood.

Dr. Alan: Did anything special happen around you?

Charlie: ... One of my friends, also a very respectable elderly have passed away half a year ago.

Dr. Alan: Has he been in your dreams for the past half years?

Charlie: Yes...

Dr. Alan: My condolences. It is always very difficult for people to walk out from a friend's passing, but time will slowly soothe your pain.

Charlie: Can time really soothe pain? But why? I feel like it's getting more and more difficult to escape from it.

Dr. Alan: Has something similar happened in your past? 

Charlie: My past?

Dr. Alan: For example, happenings during childhood will usually affect the whole life.

Charlie: I... Could no longer remember clearly. 

Charlie: I'm sorry, Dr. Alan. I'm not feeling too well, I might need to end the therapy session earlier. Thank you for your service today.

 

Recover: 8 Years Ago, Early Summer

Note: On the medical report, it says "The patient has primary insomnia, often accompanied by mood disorders such as anxiety, fear, or depression."

Dr. Alan: You look like you're in a pretty good condition today.

Charlie: Or should I say, I've always been this glorious every day.

Dr. Alan: Are things going smoothly for you recently?

Charlie: Of course, there's nothing that could stop me.

Dr. Alan: Are you used to life in medical school?

Charlie: Alan, you're almost becoming my dad.

Dr. Alan: If my son is as excellent as you when he grows up, I'd be thanking the heavens.

Charlie: I almost forgot, here, game cards for little Paul.

Dr. Alan: Let's place them here for now, I'll give it to him after his exams.

Dr. Alan: What do you want to drink today? Milk tea or iced chocolate?

Charlie: No, I'd like to try something else from time to time. Do you have red wine here?

Dr. Alan: Red wine? Can you drink? Aren't you going to be drunk with only a sip?

Charlie: I can take half a sip.

Dr. Alan: Coincidentally I have a bottle here, but it's from the supermarket.

Charlie: Mm... It indeed tastes ordinary.

Dr. Alan: Thankfully you can only drink just a little.

Charlie: At least it can help me to relax a little.

Dr. Alan: Do you still have trouble sleeping recently?

Charlie: It's already a whole lot better than before, at least I'm now gradually reducing the medicine dosage.

Dr. Alan: What do you want to talk about today? Let's talk about your past.

Charlie: How long ago do you mean by the past? I'm afraid that I've forgotten them all.

Dr. Alan: Then what do you still recall from your childhood?

Charlie: ... My childhood life was boring and bland, there aren't anything special. I don't always go out, and I don't have much friends either, the house is too big that I'd sometimes be lost. My dad isn't anybody good, my elder brother isn't very reliable, elder sister as well...

Dr. Alan: How about your mother?

Charlie: Mother...

Dr. Alan: Do you not wish to mention about her?

Charlie: No. Just that...

Charlie: I remembered I have some errands today, I'm sorry, Dr. Alan. I'll make an appointment with you again when I'm free next time.

Recover: 2 Years Ago, Early Winter: A Fully Numbed World

In a morning of early winter, the continuous rainstorm has made the air even colder.

Charlie held up a black umbrella as he stood outside the detention center, and he can't help but to feel heavy-hearted.

Half an hour later, a middle-aged woman walked out from the detention center in faltering steps, that is his mentor-- Dr. Esino.

The instant of the woman's appearance, the crowd that has been silence suddenly started a commotion, the sharp sounds continuously filled Charlie's ears--

"You're the failure of the medicine field!", "How can an arrogant murderer like you be released?!"

A month ago, his teacher received a patient named Emma, a girl suffering from necrotizing fasciitis*, and she tried her best to persuade Emma, who was dying, to receive treatment.

*T/N: Also known as flesh-eating disease, a rare bacterial infection that spreads quickly in the body and can cause death. It is a very severe bacterial infection that spreads quickly through the tissue (flesh) surrounding the muscles. In some cases death can occur within 12 to 24 hours.

After more than 10 hours of surgery with almost half of Emma's body amputated, that she can finally save her life.

The surgery was a great success, but Emma's family are unable to bear the expensive surgery and medicine costs, and not long after discharging from the hospital, the family struggled in pain as the entire family chose to commit suicide together.

Dr. Esino is hence sued by Emma's aunt, and the accusation was "advising patients to receive unnecessary treatment".

Dr. Esino's body trembled at the sounds of reprimanding around her, her dead, grey pupils are looking even darker now.

Charlie blocked the sharp yet cruel gazes with his body, wanting to argue back, but was tugged by his teacher.

Dr. Esino: Charlie, I wanted to go to the hairdresser's. My hair has grown a lot after staying a week in there.

Charlie: I'll go with you.

Charlie accompanied his teacher to the hairdresser's, but was rejected by the hairdresser.

Hairdresser: I'll never trim hair for murderers, that will dirty my scissors!

After visiting a few shops, they have all received similar replies, it took them so much effort to finally find a shop that is willing to accept them.

Charlie quietly watched his teacher's hair falling bit by bit under the sharp scissors, his heart felt heavy, as if it's completely stuffed with stones.

The silence continued until they are home. Dr. Esino looked at her most outstanding student, putting on a calm expression. 

Dr. Esino: Charlie, I'm going to leave this place soon. Before I leave, let me give you one final lesson.

Charlie raised his head, looking at her in disbelief.

Charlie: Teacher, where are you planning to go? Is it because of those people?

He did not receive an answer, so he can no longer suppress his anger in his heart.

Charlie: But this isn't your fault. I'd choose to persuade Emma to receive treatment if I were in your place too. Life is above anything else to any doctor.

Facing his anger, Dr. Esino have only shook her head instead.

Dr. Esino: During these days, I kept seeing Emma's face in my dreams, she cried and reprimanded me, saying "I will not accept treatment if I knew about the results". She even said she hated me. My patient told me she hated me.

Speaking until this point, she gasped lightly, as if it was unbearable for her to suppress the pains in her heart.

Dr. Esino: Throughout all these years, I've only considered if I can cure my patients, but I've never considered how they will face their life after saving their lives.

Charlie: But this isn't your fault. I can understand the rage of the people, but why should the hospital lay you off? I don't believe that they aren't clear that you only think about treating diseases and saving lives.

Charlie half-knelt before his teacher's heels, looking at her thinned face, feeling pained in his heart.

Charlie: It should've been the duty of social welfare department to save the poverty in sickness, why should the doctors be the one to bear the final consequences? Aren't doctors' duty just to try their best to cure diseases?

Dr. Esino: Charlie, you have to know this, no matter as doctors or as humans, as long as we're living in this society, then we'll have to accept how the society runs. And doctor is an occupation that is unique, an occupation that requires strong sense of social responsibility, and an occupation that is required to live under the public's eyes. Of course saving lives is our greatest responsibility, but the more important thing to learn is to not defy the social norms, and to learn how to maximize the usage of the norms. Becoming a doctor is never something simple.

She lifted an arm, placing it on Charlie's shoulder, her lovingness and wisdom is still the same as before.

Dr. Esino: You'll have to control your temper from now on. You are a born doctor, learn to coexist with social norms, and only with this you can go even further to your goals. Don't ever end up being like me.

After bidding farewell with his teacher, Charlie was unable to fall asleep for the entire night, not even  with the help of medication. 

The skies outside the window is gradually brightening up, as the morning rays slowly pouring into the room, but Charlie is still feeling that he's in a freezing winter night.

Until the white lights have completely shrouded him, he has finally determined--

He will insist to retain his original intentions.

If the night will not brighten up, then he will be the one to awaken it.

If those long-existing norms have blocked the path to move forward, then he will be the one to change it.

Charlie opened the door, and walked into the outpatient clinic in large strides.

Under the sunlight, his eyes are now shining in scorching light.

 

Alternately, feel free to check out other translations of Light and Night here!