６☆ Trajectory with Jesse: If I Got Disordered || Light and Night 光与夜之恋 夏鸣星【若我失序】 英译
Trigger Warnings: Mentions of campus bullying, death, spiritual practice, exorcism, ghosts and spirits, hospital, gaslighting, guilt-tripping/ emotional blackmail
Disclaimers: This is a new feature in Light and Night. For this card, there's no dates but the new system allows you to see 6 different parts of the character's past, consisting of either voice clips or short stories from the Character's POV. They can all be pretty dark and sad. Please read it at your own risk. Take pauses when needed. Remember to breathe when needed.
Evoke: 7 Years Ago, Late Summer: The Mute Boy
It has been a very long time since his arrival to this foreign nation from his home country, but Jesse's memories still stopped at that rainy day when he left.
The 14-year-old Jesse was dragged onto a flight to Europe by his father. The little youth bit his lower lip, suppressing his continuous thoughts of wanting to go back.
Sitting by the window seat, he looked at the familiar city slowly shrinking outside of the window, shrinking into a net, trapping his past life and memories.
Very quickly, this net became an unreachable dot, and finally covered by thick layers of cloud.
Father: You are the most talented child in the Xia family, from today onwards, you have to shoulder your destiny.
This sentence differentiated Jesse's past and present.
He is forced to learn Taoist exorcism, and in a very long period of time, Jesse didn't even know why he had to shoulder his destiny just because he has great psychic powers.
But what exactly is destiny? Is it the will of Gods? Is God purposely making his life hard? Out of so many people in this world, why is he the only one who has this so-called destiny?
The youth at 14 didn't understand it at all. He only knew he hated the endless practice, and those ancient books that are too difficult to articulate.
Jesse: Can I not learn exorcism? I don't like this.
In the study, Jesse nervously waited for his father's reply.
Father: As a child of the Xia family, you have no choice in this.
The anticipation in Jesse's eyes extinguished. He knew his father would never change his words, and would never give him any room for negotiation.
He returned to his room, laying on the bed as he pillowed his hands behind his head, turning his head sideways to look at that photo on his bedside table--
The little boy and girl have mud on their hands and faces, but they showed their brilliant smiles that are even more scorching than the midsummer sun.
Jesse: Y/N...
The glass on the photo frame reflected his lonely expressions.
He is unable to adjust to anything here, he felt like he's just like a child standing in front of a door cowardly, unable to return, yet also incapable of moving forward.
He misses everything in the country, despite having endless homework, or the math teacher that always dragged the lessons, and there were so, so many things that he hated.
But there were also delicious Chinese food, classmates that always fooled around together, the worry-free times, and the person he can't bear to lose the most.
When he was back in the country, although his father would be very fierce from time to time, but he will never be this strict towards him.
He turned his body and covered his head with a pillow, and his fragility that only lasted for an instant.
Jesse: I'm Xia MingXing after all...
The youth's clear voice suppresses his sobs, sounding like he's having a monologue, but also sounding like he's cheering himself up.
Jesse: These problems will not knock me down, I'll be able to go back when I grow up, I still wanted to see her...
As he kept cheering himself again and again, he slowly fell asleep. In his dreams, he felt like he has returned to the past, and returned to that summer...
But when the alarm at 7 in the morning sounded, this dream is crushed, and the dreadfully long campus life has just begun.
Jesse put on an unfamiliar uniform, ate the breakfast his mother prepared for him without tasting it, and only to step into the classroom at the very last moment.
Student A: Hurry and look, that mute Asian kid is here again!
Thomas: Let's make a bet, do you think he'll make a joke out of himself again today?
The malicious chattering entered Jesse's ears, he clenched his fist, pulled his chair and sat down as usual.
He supported his chin and looked towards that tree outside the windows-- Compared to those sickeningly noisy words of hate, the rustling sounds of the trees are much more pleasant to the ears.
Student A: Jesse, are you mute? Or do you actually not understand what we're saying?
Thomas: He looks more like an idiot with low IQ to me!
Two tall youths waited for this transfer student's response in excitement, but Jesse still said nothing.
Student A: With how you are right now, are you sure you don't want to study in a school for deafmutes?
Jesse was in a daze, suddenly recalled the things happened when he just arrived here.
Back then, he argued and protested before, he even tried going on a hunger strike, but nothing helped the situation.
Father: Why can't you be mature at all? Do you know how much effort daddy made to enroll you into such a good school?!
Teacher: This child's too withdrawn, as teachers, we can only try our best to enlighten him.
Everyone thinks he thought good for evil, ungrateful despite having so much with him. But nobody ever asked him: did he really want all of these?
Very quickly, the school bell rings. The language teacher spoke endlessly on the podium in a very fast pace. Jesse, who was just starting to learn French, could not catch up at all.
He perfunctorily wrote a few words on his textbook, then gazed out towards that large tree outside the windows-- It's just like the scene outside his classroom windows in the past.
The next class is physical education. Before learning baseball, they have to warm up with the teacher.
Just when Jesse took off his jacket, the few people around him started covering their noses and leaped away.
The blonde youth that has always been mocking him in the classroom pinched his nose and put on an exaggeratingly crumpled face, then spoke in a weird manner.
Student A: Oh là là! Why do you smell weird? Is this the eastern perfume you use?
Jesse subconsciously raised his arm, and smelled the scent of incense.
He wanted to take off that cloth instinctively, and he can't wait to cut ties from this scent.
But there even any use to take off just one? His jacket, pants, and even each strand of his hair are lingering with the same scent.
The youth suddenly felt fear, frantically patting his jacket and tried using water to wash his hair. He can't tell the reason why he's doing this, it felt like he's going to turn into the same thing as this scent.
On that day, there is no longer a sliver bit of the aura of Xia MingXing on him. Nobody can recognize him, including himself.
Thomas: Look, he actually didn't know how pungent he smells!
Jesse: Shut up!
Jesse got flustered. Just before the other party was about to mock him again, the clenched fist has already swung over, landing a heavy hit onto that despicable face.
Thomas: You dared to hit me?!
Jesse: You are exactly the one I'm beating! Do you actually not know your voice sounded as ugly as a duck whenever you're talking?
The two started beating each other surrounded by screams of the spectators. Even though the other party is half a head taller than him, but Jesse's still very fierce when he fights.
Thomas: Ouch ouch--! You annoying Asian idiot!
"Thud", a heavy punch landed on his head.
Jesse: You are the idiot...!
The two scuffled together, until the teacher separated them after hearing the news.
Teacher: Jesse, Thomas, what are you doing?!
Thomas: He hit me first!
Teacher: Jesse, you have to give me a reasonable explanation.
Jesse: I'm not at fault.
The youth who has always been polite and obedient to the teacher stubbornly held his head high, eyes wide open, yet his voice is demure.
He knew he should perhaps just apologize immediately and end the case. His father will always make him apologize whenever there's an argument anyway.
He will always have to end up submit to it anyway, so what exactly is he holding on for?
As he widen his eyes, tears suddenly flowed.
Father: Xia MingXing, you are already 14, you are no longer a kid, just how many times do you want me to clean up the mess for you?!
After being brought home by his father from the school infirmary, Jesse quietly sat down, not uttering a word.
Father: Spill it out, weren't you quite the fierce one when you were fighting in school? Why don't you dare to talk now?!
Jesse: He was the one talking bad about me at first...
He refuted in a demure voice, but this is not the answer his father wanted.
Father: Just because he said something about you, and you can beat him?! Have I not teach you before? You have to be friendly to your classmates!
The dizziness beforehand still lingered in the brain, the stern tone from his father seemed to still be floating around, but every single word from it are hurting his nerves.
Jesse: I wasn't at fault...!
Jesse clenched his fists tightly, raising his head and met his father's gaze with reddened eyes.
Father: But you were the first to strike, so it's your fault! Practitioners have to be broad-minded with righteousness!
I don't want to practice those so-called exorcism, I don't want to be someone broad-minded, can't I just be someone selfish and weak?!
Yet those words didn't come out from his mouth in the end. Father's word is absolute, undeniable, and the only choice is to obey.
Even though he's told that they were the one to mock him first, he would never understand at all.
At last, it's still the sound of the mother knocking on the door that interrupted the standoff between the father and son.
Jesse didn't know how he returned to his room. Lethargy all over his body made him close his eyes, yet the stinging pain on his wounds are giving him a hard time to fall asleep.
He recalled how his mother gently persuaded him as she held his hand earlier.
Mother: Don't be angry at your father, you have to understand him, he's also doing this for your sake. His health is no longer the same as before, the responsibility of the Xia family will have to be passed to you sooner or later.
In the midst of darkness, Jesse raises his hand to cover his eyes, tears finally rolled out from the corner of his eyes.
Jesse: Why aren't there anyone are willing to understand me...
He didn't understand, why does he have to possess this type of damnable talent. Whoever wants it could just take it.
Why can't he just become an ordinary person? Why does he have to shoulder so much, so much of heavy things?
His father's expectations, the renaissance of his clan, they are all layers and layers of shackles pressing onto his shoulders.
He is just like Sisyphus* pushing an immense boulder, hiking difficultly on the slope towards the hilltop, and repeating these futile yet hopeless movements every day.
*T/N: In Greek mythology Sisyphus is punished by Zeus for cheating death twice, being forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill only for it to roll down every time it neared the top, repeating this action for eternity.
Until midnight, the room to Jesse's room is gently pushed open. Somebody walked to his bedside.
Jesse has fallen into deep sleep. The man's gaze reached the wound on his face, his brows turned into a frown.
The wound that was carelessly treated has now turned purple, looking even scarier.
A deep sigh escapes from the man' mouth as he puts on his reading glasses, opening the medicine cabinet, and carefully treated the wound again. His movements aren't out of practice-- It's just the same that he did after every time Jesse has gotten his injuries.
Perhaps it's because there was only a tiny nightlight switched on, his face looked much older.
The man looked towards his son's brows knotting into tight frowns in his dream. That is an expression that he always had. Unsure of when it has started, but this expression has gradually grown on this young face.
They are father and son, having the gradually similar expressions, yet they gradually have lesser things to tell each other.
The boy who used to sit on his shoulders to play has boarded on a train speeding in time, left towards somewhere afar before he could even bid goodbye.
Father: MingXing, I...
The man still couldn't say it in the end, only to take off his glasses and quietly sat by the bedside.
On the following day, Jesse woke up to find his whole body aching terribly, with his eyes both red and swollen. He looked at his embarrassing self in the mirror, and let out a bitter smile.
Jesse: Ouch... How ugly...
But very quickly, he noticed the wounds on him seemed to have been treated again.
He looked towards his busy mother, wanting to ask if she treated his wounds for him again.
But after meeting his father's stern gaze, he swallowed his words back, and finished his breakfast in silence.
Jesse: I'm leaving.
Jesse carried his bag and stepped out from his house, walking into the morning sunlight, like a temporal escape from those undying weight.
Recover: 7 Years Ago, Late Autumn
Jesse: Is it here? Why is it so cold...
Jesse: Prism of five stars, shine upon the nothingness. Mil... what was that again...?
Old man: Million gods and deities.
*T/N: The full verse is "五星镇彩，光照玄冥。千神万圣， 护我真灵。巨天猛兽，制伏五兵。五天魔鬼，亡身灭形。所在之处，万神奉迎。急急如律令 。 " I can't translate this properly but it's basically a Taoist exorcism mantra to chase ghosts away.
Jesse: ...! H- how do you know the Taoism mantra?!
Old man: Child, you are the third person attempted to collect my soul.
Jesse: Don't call me child, I'm Xia MingXing.
Old Man: Xia MingXing, amazes the world with a single cry*, a great name indeed.
*T/N: Jesse's Chinese name, "夏鸣星" has the word "鸣", usually it's referred to bird cries/ sounds. The idiom, "一鸣惊人" comes from a story where a quiet bird has never made a sound but when it does, all of a sudden the sound was so great it amazed the world. Also, 鸣星 (MingXing) is also sounding the same as 明星, which means 'Celebrity', or 'bright star'. I don't know how to translate this part to English because it doesn't make sense, but I wanted to share the beauty of the original language as much as I could. Sorry :(
Jesse: Aren't you... afraid of me?
Old man: I wasn't even afraid of the fiercest Somalian pirates, why would I be afraid of you?
Old man: Looks like it's your first time collecting souls.
Jesse: Yeah...
Old man: You didn't run away from fear, you're very brave. You should become a pirate, if I were still alive, I would probably bring you out to the seas.
Jesse: Have you sailed through many straits?
Old man: Of course I have, I used to be a navy general. The Atlantic Ocean, the Mediterranean Sea, the Strait of Malacca, the Black Sea, I've been there all.
Jesse: Then you must've had free dom.
Old man: Discipline is the first rule of being a navy.
Jesse: Even the strictest discipline will be better than my life.
Jesse: I'm really envious of you, I want to sail across the straits and return to my hometown too. I hate everything here, I hate the sword in my hand, and this incense.
Old man: Then why are you come here to collect my soul?
Jesse: It's my father. He made me to collect your soul. His words have always been absolute, and he never gave me any room for negotiation.
Old man: Child, you look very much like my grandchild.
Jesse: Your grandchild?
Old man: His name is Lee. He's a kind and honest child. But he has no way to see me like you do.
Jesse: His father was a navy like me, and passed away in a war when he was very little. Hence he has been holding his resentments against me.
Jesse: This... isn't your fault to begin with.
Old man: I used to think the same way in the past, because it is a must for a navy to face life and death.
Old man: I have been doing the most correct things throughout my entire life, and I have never done a single thing that was against my orders, but...
Jesse: But?
Old man: I've been living
Jesse: I've been living open and aboveboard, and only after I die, that I knew my grandson that I've loved the most has been hating me for all these while.
Old man: Each time he visits me by my grave, he is always quiet and leave in a hurry, not willing to tell me anything.
Jesse: But why? You are his grandfather.
Jesse: I remembered myself crying for a long, long time when my grandfather left.
Old man: Yes, I am his grandfather, and I'm his dearest family, but we are just like strangers.
Old man: After that, I finally understood, when I was alive, I have been extremely strict to myself and my subordinates, and it was the same towards him.
Old man: I can't bear to watch his weak and introverted character, so I've been forcing him to exercise courage, forcing him to do things he didn't like, and study a major that he didn't like...
Jesse: Why did you have to do this? This isn't right, just like my father...!
Old man: Because I wanted him to have the courage to retaliate, I wanted him to become someone as brave like me, like his father...
Jesse: But him is him, he isn't his father, he isn't you, and he isn't anyone else.
Jesse: He has his own ideas, he has his hobbies and a life that he likes. Why are all of you always imposing your ideas onto others?
Old man: I knew it too late.
Old man: I'm not a good grandfather. The memories I left him were only scolding and coldness.
Jesse: So this has been the reason why you were so unwilling to leave.
Jesse: Do you want him to forgive you?
Old man: What I want isn't forgiveness. My biggest regret is that I've never even told Lee my love and expectations towards him in person.
Old man: I still remember myself bringing him to look at the warships at the bay when he was a child. His eyes were gleaming, and he told me he also wanted to be a hero.
Old man: But by the time he grew up, I no longer see that kind of gleam from his eyes.
Old man: By the time I disappeared, can you tell him for me?
Jesse: I will not help you on this! If you want to tell him, then you should tell him in person.
Jesse: Although he might not be able to see you, but who knows he might be able to feel it in a certain instant?
Jesse: I will not collect your soul, but don't let yourself found by other exorcists like me.
Jesse: Besides me, none of them are of any good!
Recovery: 7 Years Ago, Early Winter
Old man: You're here. You look like you're in terrible mood, who bullied you?
Jesse: I'm sorry, I broke my promise, this time...
Jesse: How about you leave here right now? If my father knew about it, he will definitely collect your soul in person!
Old man: Where else can I go? The only place I mind about is right here.
Old man: You were scolded by your father when you were back last time, right?
Jesse: Yeah...
Jesse: He said I disappointed him. He was the one that knows nothing at all.
Jesse: There's only Taoism and endless missions in his mind. Mom and I are both unimportant to him.
Jesse: Just like right now, he would rather force me to collect your soul than to ask me about how my day in new school has been, or if I'm used to the lunch, or if I have made any new friends.
Jesse: Why won't other fathers be like this?
Old man: Did our little Xia attend a new school today?
Jesse: Yeah...
Old man: Then how did your day go? Are you used to your lunch? Did you make any new friends?
Jesse: ... It's better than the previous one, there are much more Asians. Lunch was so-so, it isn't delicious, but it isn't bad, as for new friends, none for now.
Old man: Take it slow, you'll eventually make friends.
Old man: But this is a school your father found for you, right? Then how could you say he didn't care about you?
Jesse: But--
Old man: It's very hard to find schools, there are times where parental loves are hidden in invisible places.
Jesse: Then why not letting me to see it?
Old man: Perhaps it's because they have been holding onto dignity for too long, so they can't tell it out.
Jesse: Just like how you were in the past?
Old man: I'm now different.
Jesse: You look like you're in a pretty good mood today...
Old man: So you've seen it!
Old man: After chatting with you last time, I went to Lee's school, and coincidentally saw him being bullied by a group of punks.
Old man: This time, I no longer waited for him to raise his own fists to retaliate, but helped him to pull pranks and made fun of them. Haha they were scared so badly!
Old man: Lee turned around and glanced at where I was at, at that time, I suddenly felt he can actually see me.
Old man: He smiled to me.
Old man: It sounds a little ridiculous to me, only at this time I feel more like a grandfather. Being able to shield him from storms, and not keep forcing him to grow.
Jesse: How nice... I wonder when will my father be able to understand me, and not place all of his hopes onto me.
Jesse: This kind of expectation is just really heavy...
Jesse: Sometimes I keep thinking I'm not "Xia MingXing", it feels like, to him, any child with talent can be his son.
Jesse: I wonder how exactly does he see me?
Jesse: So it's still good to be a soul! Although there's no more body, but there's no more restraints, and you can float around freely.
Jesse: No need to attend school, no need to learn things that you don't like, no expectations from others... being a human is not good at all!
Old man: Who knows you might find being a human is better tomorrow.
Jesse: I won't! Not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow. Maybe somewhere in the future.
Jesse: Tomorrow... will you still be seeing Lee?
Jesse: What if, I'm saying what if you disappeared, and you can never see him again...
Old man: Will it be today?
Jesse: What?
Old man: I'm very thankful that you didn't collect my soul last time, but I'm willing to leave this time.
Jesse: Why is that? Don't you want to still see Lee?
Old man: I can never accompany him forever. Actually, I heard his prayer today.
Old man: He wished for me to not worry for him anymore, he might not be the successful person I've expected, but he will live his life.
Old man: He wished me to be able to continue being someone heroic in my next life.
Old man: You see, he has already walked out from his past bravely. I'm now the one being trapped in the past.
Old man: So I should also let go, and move forward.
Jesse: But...
Old man: Little Xia, it's a form of luck to be family. So you have to treasure this type of fate. If you love someone, you must say it out.
Old man: Perhaps you still can't experience it now, but there will be a day you will understand how valuable this love is.
Jesse: Understood... Do you really want to leave?
Old man: You don't have to be sad for me.
Old man: I'm really glad to meet you at my final moments, angel who leads souls towards heaven. Thank you...
Jesse: Am I...? I've been feeling, psychic powers are just a job that I had to do, and all it does is to allow the living to communicate with the dead.
Jesse: But now, I think I understand a little better... my duty.
Recover: 7 Years Ago, Midwinter
Father's burial is set on three days later.
The lamps have been switched on throughout the entire night. Mom and a few other relatives sat around a box, folding paper ingots.
The coffin is bought. My eldest uncle waved to me, gesturing me to head over to help my father who's covered under the white cloth to change into graveclothes. Human bodies will become stiff very quickly after death, even the simplest change of clothes became a difficult task.
I think I should stand up immediately, but I suddenly lost all my strength.
My eldest uncle only threw me a glance of pity, not uttering a single word. He helped my father to change on his own, then carried my father's body into the coffin.
He said, "have another look at your father".
I slowly walked over, and sat on the board father was lying on earlier. It seems like there's still a bit of warmth.
I suddenly remembered when I was sick during childhood, I don't remember what sickness it was, only remembering the doctor exhorted me to not lie flat when sleeping. He then encircled me within his embrace, slept while sitting for one night after another.
My father, has really left me.
By the time the cover of the coffin is covered, the majestic mountain of my life will turn into ashes, a memorial plate, and a tombstone. No matter how much trouble I get into, there's no longer his voice of reprimands.
I don't understand, how can people leave so suddenly? The person that was still talking to me yesterday is now a corpse with a twisted face. He looked like he's in cold, so unfamiliar, and so lonely. I wanted to give him a blanket, a watch, newspaper, also the warm wine mom made, also our family portrait, and the love that I've never said it out.
I extended my arm, and touched father's cheek for the very last time.
Can you hear me? I said I love you, I can't bear to see you go. I'm your deepest wrinkle, and also your most stubborn white hair. Can you please slow down your footsteps, and wait for me? I'm still that child that likes to hide behind you, the path in the future is so difficult to walk on, how could you bear to not stay by my side?
Please don't leave me.
Please, don't leave me.
Evoke: 5 Years Ago, Late Spring: Orphan
Neighbor: Jesse, Jesse! Hurry and go...
A high-pitched voice hurried Jesse, sounding increasingly panicked, then it's the sharp sounds of pushcarts dashing across the grounds.
A thin body stood outside the operation room, looking as pale as the white light above him.
Ring ring ring--
Jesse pressed the alarm off and woke up from his dream.
His eyes are bloodshot, the short sleep didn't allow him to look better, but looking even more tired instead.
The loose top looked a little empty on him. He raised a hand to cover his eyes, the image in his dream still carved deeply in his mind.
Jesse: It'd be great if it's just a nightmare...
Few days ago, he was handling the relics of his father. His mother who was originally rehearsing on the stage fell down from the elevated stage because she spaced out.
When Jesse received the notification call from his neighbor, he felt his blood completely froze.
Under the high-pitched hurrying sounds, his stiffened body finally moved. He panickily ran towards the hospital.
He's too afraid, afraid that he'll lose his one and only family forever if he's just one second late.
Everyone in the hospital ER walked in hurried steps. Jesse saw the doctor pushing the pushcart as he dashes across the hospital corridors, his mother lying on it with her eyes closed.
Her body is curled up, her long hair soaked in blood, looking pale and quiet, as if she has lost her breath.
Jesse's breath stopped upon his sighting, and the neighbor who rushed here with the ambulance found him with her eyes reddened.
Neighbor: Jesse, you poor child, your mother...
Jesse: Is she... still alive?
His lips trembled, his voice fleeted as if he's afraid to disrupt something.
Neighbor: She's still alive! She will definitely recover... God bless!
Jesse felt like he's like a puppet completely numb, signing the agreement for surgery and medical crisis notice, then sat outside the operation room.
He thought he'll be crying, sobbing like how it's acted in movies, or find a tall building to jump off without attachments, then besides himself, there won't be anyone else that will be sad.
Then, then he'll arrive hell, and meet his parents again, or perhaps they can still be family.
But will they want a son like this?
Father will definitely be sad, scolding him while pointing at his nose. "You coward child, didn't I tell you to live bravely?"
Then how about mom? Will she be happy that we're finally reunited, or will she feel guilty that she can't utter a word?
He looked towards that red lamp, but he didn't receive an answer.
The only word he thought of throughout the long night was "orphan".
Perhaps he'll be alone from now on, he's free to go anywhere, and he can even throw the handle after the blade.
There will be no connections with anyone, nor there will be a need to worry about angering or worrying about them.
What destiny? What duty of the Xia family? None of these are important anymore.
He doesn't care about anything.
When the sun rose, the operation room is finally opened.
Jesse stood up in a hurry, almost tripping from the chair. It's also that moment that he realized, he still wanted to live.
Jesse: Doctor, my mother--
Doctor: The patient is temporarily out of danger, but still required to be admitted into ICU to observe for 48 hours. But her spine injury has caused paralysis of her lower limbs.
Jesse: But my mother is a dancer...
The doctor shook her head in sympathy, and Jesse's eyes immediately reddened.
After that day, all sorts of relatives from the Xia family heard about this news from somewhere, and many calls were dialed to Jesse.
They pretended to express their deplore on one hand, and trying to win over the one and only genius from the Xia family on the other hand.
It's the first time Jesse knew there were so many branch families in the Xia family, and it's also his first time to face so many probes with effort and schemes.
It's as if he grew mature over a single night, just like the bamboo shoot that sprouts out from the ground after a heavy rain.
So he can also use the sleek tone of speech that he once disdained as reception, and he can also pretend to ignore gazes that has other intentions.
He slowly became pale and thin, while also gradually became quiet and steady.
After Jesse hastily washed up, he headed to the hospital to visit his mother, who is now transferred to a normal ward.
Before he arrived the ward, he can already hear the care workers complaining in a rough voice. He immediately pushed the door open, only to see the care workers turned his mother a little violently.
Jesse: What are you doing?! Did I spend money to hire you for you to show such an attitude?
Jesse angrily rushed forward in attempt to argue with the care worker, but his mother stopped him.
Mother: It's fine, MingXing, mommy is fine, really.
Jesse: Mom! Why would you...
He lowered his head to see his mother getting emaciated and out of shape, and he can't help but to feel his heart sore.
Mother: Don't get into a conflict with them, you'll be injured.
Jesse: I won't... In terms of fighting, I will not lose to them.
Jesse sat by the bedside, holding onto his mother's cold hands.
Mother: Mommy knows you've grown up... For all these while, it's been mommy's fault.
She leaned against the headboard, a faint smile exudes from her pale lips.
She cut her long hair short in order for convenience of care, her face looked pallid like a dried leaf, and there's not a sliver of similarity with the once beautiful and gentle woman seen.
Mother: Sometimes I would think, if I were just a little stronger, there won't be need for you to shoulder everything for the family. You're only 16, you should've been happy, and be the bright star in daddy and mommy's eyes.
She caressed Jesse's thinned cheeks, unsure when, but the child that used to need her reading him bedtime stories is now grown into an adult.
Mother: Will you be holding a grudge against me?
Jesse's hand trembled slightly, then shook his head slowly.
Jesse: I won't, it'll be fine as long as you're fine. I'll shoulder this family, and I won't disappoint father.
Mother: Your father's death is already a fact, don't blame yourself, nobody can change what has happened. He actually loves you very much, he must've wanted to see us doing fine in the heavens. So, let go of the Xia family's duty that your father used to say.
Jesse: What are you talking about...
Mother: I've thought about it very much in the recent days, I think your father and I might have been wrong since the very beginning. We shouldn't be forcing you that way. Back then, he said he felt his body getting worse day by day.
Mother: If he's suddenly gone someday and he didn't manage to teach you anything, exactly what kind of father is he? Moreover, you have much more talent than him, you will become someone even more powerful than him.
Mother: He always said, there's no family that will never get into arguments, it's fine as long as the family doesn't separate from arguments. But after getting angry, he's troubled yet he can't be impartial either. One night, I saw him secretly wiping his tears when he sat in the living room by himself. On the next morning, he looked for your teacher back then. I didn't know what he did there either, he only came home to say he wanted to transfer you to a better school.
Mother's expressions is full of nostalgia, as if she's immersed in her memories. Jesse can only keep blinking, not letting his tears to flow out.
Mother: MingXing, it's our fault in the end, I will not force you to do things you dislike, you should have a better future.
After saying this, mother fell into deep sleep very quickly. Jesse clenched his teeth and brisk walked into a corner of the hospital, and finally let out his cry.
They are father and son, they are family, having the same stubborn expression and a personality where they aren't good at words.
He thought he isn't loved or cared, hence his tears broke out when he heard about the unfamiliar father from his mother's words.
Yet it's already too late.
So he tried his best to recall the happy moments when he was with his family, but all in his mind were only the scene of his father's death, and the face of his mother laying in blood...
And most of all, it's still how he looked when he left angrily.
This family of his has argued for too many years, still holding grudges even until the moment before death. But even so, they have never separated, no matter if it's separated from the mortal world or afterworld, the three hearts are still embracing each other tightly.
Jesse: You said you weren't a good father, but neither was I a good son...
After staying quiet for a while, Jesse turned around and returned to the hospital. He stubbornly changed the care worker away, and he had no choice but to pay another fee all over again.
After handling everything, the skies are already dark, people bustling in the streets.
Jesse: *sighs* I should go home...
After saying this, he stunned, and suddenly stood before the crossroad in a blur.
The familiar streets suddenly became exceptionally unfamiliar.
Now, where exactly is his home?
In order to pay for the high treatment expenses for his mother, Jesse took on works of exorcism continuously, and almost fainted at the last time.
He had to force himself to rest for a period of time, and just then, a classmate from school suddenly found him.
Classmate: Jesse, are you free to help acting in a performance for the theater club?
Jesse: But...
Classmate: It's fine, you only need to act as a stone. It has no lines, and there's no acting skill required.
The other person spoke as he looked at him carefully, speaking while being mindful of his word choice.
Classmate: Also, you can receive remuneration for it too, although it isn't too much.
Jesse: Okay... Thank you.
Jesse did not decline this tiny kind gesture, only simply rehearsed, and walked upon the stage with his costume.
He quietly stood at the corner of the stage, looking completely not eye-catching, only the light that would occasionally spare a sliver of light onto him.
He originally thought it'd be a boring experience, but during the two hours of acting as a stone, he forgot that he's Xia MingXing.
The light on the stage are so bright, he can't even see the spectators clearly.
Anything related to Xia MingXing no longer seem to relate to him anymore. No bindings from family, no heavy responsibilities, he's just a stone with no attachments.
Until the final round applause sounded, Jesse was feeling a little sad as if something is lost-- he has already fallen in love with this feeling.
Classmate: Jesse, you acted really well! There are little people who can act characters like this with patience!
Jesse: Can I join the theater club?
Facing his sudden question, the other party was shocked for a moment, then nodded happily.
Classmate: Of course you can! All you need to do is to participate an interview!
Just like that, he became a member of the theater club, and begun traversing between two completely different worlds.
He attempted many types of character, a vengeful prince, a hypocritical businessman, a reckless butcher, or a tree of no words.
He danced and sung, showed anger and smiles on the stage... He waved the longsword of the prince, played the violin of the pet, sprouted new branches of the tree...
In the story, he is experiencing a different type of life.
Temporarily escaping Xia MingXing's life, and received his happiness and freedom in this moment.
After another performance ended, he took off the soldier's helmet as he sat by the staircase, showing a sweaty face.
A father and son duo walked past him, hand in hand. He suddenly remembered a question his father used to ask him many years ago.
Father: MinXing, what kind of person do you want to be when you grow up?
He was still blur back then, only to answer according to his father's wills.
Jesse: I wanted to become the strongest exorcist!
His father seemed to be very happy back then, so throughout a very long period of time, he thought he'd definitely become an exorcist when he grew up.
He then met a girl later, the girl told him: "Your singing voice is really good," and so he thought he might be able to become a singer.
Since childhood, his dreams seemed to come from others' expectations.
But at this moment, he suddenly realized, after living through sixteen years of his life, he seemed to have waited for his ambition that came late. An ambition that only belonged to Xia MingXing.
Despite it not having a noble backstory, and it even made him feel guilty, but it has allowed him to be sincerely happy.
Jesse: Father, I think I know what I want to do in the future. Please send me your blessings.
Recover: 3 Years Ago, Early Summer
It has been so long since I'm back to my old home.
Few days ago, the landlord informed me the rental period is up. So when I moved houses, I found a box from father's wooden box by surprise.
There's a jade plate in it, with my name clearly carved on it.
That was father's writing, I remember he has a jade plate like this too, it's placed near his chest. He said, that is the tradition passed down in the Xia family.
I placed the jade plate near my heart, quietly calling his name, yet there's still nothing before me when I opened my eyes.
I can already communicate smoothly with various souls, but even after so many years have passed, I have never seen my father's soul, not even once.
I think, perhaps he has left on the day of burial, a soul with no attachments will usually leave very quickly.
I should be happy for him. For a son like me, there's nothing much to be missed about.
But sometimes, I hate him a little.
I was angry that the last thing he told me before passing is still related to the entire Xia family, and I was angry that he didn't hear my inner voice. Us as father and son, living together for short period of a little over a decade, forever leaving our worst tempers to each other, and forever not managing to say sorry in time.
One day, I left the theater rehearsal venue and walked in an alley alone. The ground before me is drawn into a few boxes, very similar to the game he taught me when I was a child, so I can't help but to jump into it.
Suddenly, a voice is heard from behind. He said: "walk properly".
I turned round, and I saw my father.
Four years passed in the blink of an eye, he's still wearing the clothes on the burial day. The alley's light is very dim, but I can still see his smile clearly.
He asked me: "have you been doing well?"
"Have you been practicing exorcism properly? Have you been taking good care of mom?"
I nodded, and continued repeating "I have" for many times.
He smiled again. At that moment, I suddenly got so tempted to ask him if he had ever heard my words back then.
Throughout the past four years, have you seen my growth? Are you proud of me?
Did you miss me?
We walked shoulder to shoulder, this alley suddenly became so short, so short that by the time I just realized I'm already half a head taller than him, we have walked to the end.
I am no longer a child, but in my eyes, my father is still like the mountain-like father.
He stood at the road entrance, and waved at me calmly.
He said, he'll see me off from this road.
I no longer wished to remain quiet, so I called him. Because I understand I'll really never meet him ever again from this moment onwards.
-- Have you not left throughout all these while? I asked him.
-- Why did you suddenly feel like seeing me today?
Father nodded, and said he just wanted to see me. And now he's relieved, so he should go back.
He walked towards somewhere afar with no lights, and this time, I can no longer stop him, and there's also no need for me to stop him.
I walked around, and headed towards the other direction with light.
I know, no matter if I turn back or not, he's forever behind me.
Until next update! :)
