Year three, trimester three.
It has been so long since my last update, but I'm glad that this semester is almost over.
Two semesters ago, I injured my spine and decided to drop my thesis in order to complete another project.
Then in the past semester, I had my internship, which has been a pretty great experience.
Right now, in this semester, I've been working hard on my thesis as well as catching up with other subjects. I placed most of my efforts in my thesis and placed other subjects to a lower priority, which has been a really huge mistake because I really screwed my final exams. Badly.
But it isn't that my thesis is going on a good progress as well. It's a really tough road. Apparently both me and my supervisors have miscommunication issues and often I wasn't able to voice out because I couldn't think at the moment and later on I get accused for not doing my job.
I was also accused for "running away from responsibilities". Which was the only time I ever get so angry I decided to argue.
I believe I would see a major drop in my CGPA in this trimester and I'm not gonna even lie that I wouldn't even graduate with a second class. (Urge to curse, intensifies.)
My finals ended on 13th. So for these past few days I've been busy moving out from my hostel as well as helping my sibling to move out. Then I fell sick, yada yada yada.
Also, in this trimester I started my
YouTube channel! (yaaaaay) It's not updated all the time, like my blog itself and it's all short videos on my mobile games. All of them are games that wouldn't take too much time to play every day and in the middle of the trimester I cut things down in order to place focus on my thesis.
Accidents also happened in this trimester. I slipped down from the stairs, twice. The first time got me bruises on my right leg, and the second time got me a bloody tibia fracture. I'm now able to walk, but banned from sports. Every single day, I'm trying to see how long I could stand and walk around before the pain strikes back to my ankle and apparently 30 minutes is my longest record. Which pretty sucks but hey, I can at least walk. Sucks to be on wheelchair and crutches and being seen as an alien for the entire month, you know.
For more on the incident,
click here.
The fracture incident might be a hidden blessing as well. I'm able to see people lending help when I was in trouble. It changed me a lot, from the sense of how I perceive things from the environment, and how it feels by someone who couldn't walk.
I would really say that the wheelchair experience in my university is not pleasant, especially the usage of toilets. You wouldn't believe that there are normal students who would actually occupy the disabled washroom FOR PUTTING ON COSMETICS. I really, really got so angry when that happens, but then again I guess they are mentally disabled so I ended up smiling at them with a smirk of sarcasm.
As mentioned earlier, I've dropped my thesis so my classmates are all graduating and I have a different timetable compared to theirs. It sucks when I am asked by the faculty officers on "Where are your friends? Shouldn't they help to push you around?" and all I could answer is that "They are having classes" or "They are meeting their project supervisors", whatever I could come up with but in fact, they are mostly at their hostels because they have no classes. It isn't that my classmates wouldn't push me around, but I would really prefer to do whatever I could on my own rather than bringing trouble to people around me. But I really, really do feel bad at times when I feel completely helpless, so I really do envy those who are disabled and still having such a strong will to live.
I guess, it's because we lack something, we tend to be more accepting and understanding of others.
I think I am slowly being more accepting towards more issues, but I am also seeing depression slipping in. I panic a lot ever since the incident since I am unable to finish my thesis as how my supervisor expects, so I panicked a lot. I cried a lot. I think of suicide, but logic tells me that suicide is painful and I don't want to die in pain so I'm only left with thoughts. I know I have supporting people around me: my classmates, my ex-classmates, my family, my childhood friend, my friends abroad... so usually I am fine and back to work after some emotional hours.
I have also screwed up some of my tests and they have badly affected my finals grade so I might be seeing a couple of Fs a week or two later, but I don't want to bother anymore. Since I'm already extending for a semester, extending my graduation for another two semesters wouldn't kill me.
Also thanks to certain unhelpful people my thesis progress plummeted and I ended up only hoping for a pass. If I aimed higher, I think the only thing that is left for me would be an endless valley of depression.
Some people think they are doing something because it makes them feel powerful and noble in order to feed their egos but in fact they are just being the ones trying to prove themselves by overpowering the weak.
Let me just, at least, hang onto survival until graduation.
Bless.
