I created this blog just for a single reason -- write to inspire. I used to love writing, but my tight scheduled restrained my activities here and there that I feel... breathless.

However, this shall be a time for me to initiate a change in my life, and who knows? Whatever I wrote today may inspire somebody, or perhaps, I would get myself inspired to write a book after graduation.

My name is Jin. I am 20 in September, a Virgo-Libra cusp, a Software Engineering student, Year 1, trimester 3 in a Malaysian university. I used to have dreams on being a lawyer, a doctor, a graphics designer, a game developer, or a researcher, but here I am, studying in Software Engineering because I was inspired by what I could do back in college after losing my sight on future career opportunities in Biomedical Science.

People called me crazy, abnormal, and gave me labels back then, all because of how stereotyped they are for assuming that females couldn't do anything much in engineering because it's just too tough. I even had this dream to work in Japan (and still have, actually.) because I love their traditional culture and their working spirit. Until there was this man that graduates in a Japanese university told me that what I hear is completely different from what I will see in Japan, as the IT workers in Japan are called "The Working Soldiers".

Even so, in my opinion, I am still admiring the Japanese, since they are able to preserve their culture for thousands of years even up till now, unlike here in Malaysia, where most of us Chinese doesn't even know when and what to prepare for a single prayer, which was supposed to be a tradition passed down by our ancestors.

A saddening sight, indeed. I felt so much shame on myself, even though I know more on the traditions of my culture and other cultures than most of my peers do.

Also, as a Malaysian, being ignorant in others' culture is the main cause of all the racism that happens out there. There are so much more that I would like to criticize on how ignorant those people out there are, but I suppose I shall keep my netiquette and stay quiet for the time being. Either way, even though I dislike it so much, I couldn't do anything to change their point of views, especially for those stereotypes that assumes Chinese are good in maths or likes to do business, or Malays that are terrible in English and Maths, and so on.

I can't understand why we have to be surrounded with these kind of atmosphere that we have to discriminate others' abilities based on their skin colour. Each and one of us are special, after all. We have our unique talents; we possess potentials that nobody else has; we stand out on our own; we fight on our own... And once we find groups of people that possess similar abilities and personalities, we could learn and help from each other to improve what we have right now.

It isn't that I'm trying to tell everyone to stop racism in an instant, because there is always a degree of discrimination among people. I had to admit that I am suffering from phobias upon seeing people with dark skin due to several encounters of me, being kind to show directions or initiate a greeting and they would suddenly ask me if I'm married or not. Which contradicts with my culture completely as us Asians are /normally/ not that open-minded compared to the westerners. (At least, among the people that I know. None of them are too open towards the sudden approach.)

I couldn't blame them, too. It's something that they practiced in their home country that I can't possibly change their habit in a couple of seconds. And I've learnt that we have to try our best to assimilate to others' cultures if we are not in our home country. Or even if it's in our home country that has diverse cultural backgrounds for each race, we have to try to adapt to others' styles. Being accepting isn't a bad thing.

Well, back to the topic. I felt like starting up a new blog to write about my thoughts and feelings because I was inspired by a lecturer of mine. She teaches me Management Principles in my current trimester. Don't get me wrong for being an accounting student, I am taking up this subject as an elective humanities subject, as a requirement for me to graduate in 2016.

This lecturer of mine, is also a writer whom published two books. She is the very first person that encouraged me to keep my passion in writing, and I have to be thankful to her.

Because nobody else did. Not even my parents.

It all began when I talked to her this afternoon, telling her that I am losing my sight of what is going to come in the future with all these mess that I am having. Assignments that piles up so much with tests and presentations for five consecutive weeks (and more to come) that I couldn't know what else to do with my lack of ability to complete these tasks. To be honest, I had no idea why I was so confident to enroll into this bachelors of mine that I believed that I would go fine.

And I see myself being lost as I stepped into the lecture hall with geniuses everywhere that I would feel intimidated by their quality of work. What I could do is merely trash compared to theirs, that I felt extremely useless -- probably one of the lousiest person in the class.

I told her about my family problems, of dad being laid off and mom doesn't work, this and that, and how frustrated I am to comply to all the rules that my parents programmed indirectly towards my brain at a rate that I shed tears.

I've never shed a single drop of tear in front of anybody to show sadness.

I only cried twice publicly throughout my high school -- once when I was extremely worried about the future batch of junior prefects to a rate that all I felt was guilt and disappointment towards their quality of work and passion in duty, and the other time was the moment I realized that I disappointed everyone that placed their faith in me for my SPM results to get 11 A's by getting 9 A's and 2 B+s in Chinese and Moral Studies.

In college, I shed tears (secretly) for a friend that I treasured so much when I knew that he's transferring to another college. He's the very first male friend that I would treasure so much that I almost thought that I fell for him but months later I realized that I am just... in need of a friend that would show tenderness and being a good listener. He was my very first friend that mirrors me, after all. For him, I changed a lot. Even though there are good and bad changes, but I am thankful that he came into my life. Though he would never know about this.

The third time I shed tears in front of someone, would be today.

I felt mistreated by my peers. I had no idea why, I just feel that way. I live hours away from my campus, if it's by public transport that I would feel the sense of jealousy when my classmates are chit-chatting and going out happily with each other and I'm just sitting there, feeling left out by everyone else in the world. It's not that I didn't get used to these back in high school where I lived with jealousy from peers or something because I could understand how one would be jealous when someone stays on the top for so many months during high school...

This is just... different.

I am nobody on the top, not a student on president lists or dean lists. I'm, probably, below average in terms of technical skills, but I am pretty confident in my presentation when I am fully prepared for my topic, and I know that my imagination could bring me to a world of fantasy that nobody else except me would be able to gain that access. It's just that I lack words to place them into nice essays, or else I am certain that I could be a novel writer right now.

Bearing these burden, loneliness, pain and the worst thing -- sense of insecurity doesn't feel good at all. I had to tell myself so many times that, if I could survive my high school as the top student, why not here?

And I tried to study, but I'm like most normal students that earns a PhD in Procrastination. Oh, don't get me wrong, my PhD stands for Permanent Head Damage, a serious headache that lasts for weeks and months when assignment deadlines are closer and closer because of the act of procrastination, not the certificate that shows that I'm a PhD student.

So yeah, being overwhelmed with these negative emotions that I couldn't take it anymore, I cried. And it was the first time that nobody tells me to stop crying because it's shameful. And I recalled being caned by parents if I cry, it just... sucks so much, though they trained me to stay strong on the appearance. The weaker you appear to others, the higher the probability you are being the prey in this society, anyway.

After that, I told her many other things, sobbing in between, but I went fine eventually. I was advised to drop the negative feelings and thoughts and start to have more faith in my own abilities, and also, to be more accepting towards others actions and behavior. She said that I had the potential to be a very successful person, but I'm on a wrong track, which needs to be amended as time passes by. It's true that nothing can be done in an instant too, so I agreed on that.

As long as I am able to believe in my potentials, there'll be this day, where this drop of tear that I shed today would tell me that it didn't go for waste. It will act as a mark of my success in the future. And who knows? I might be laughing at myself for being so silly to do this and that, but... We won't grow if we don't do silly things at times, no?

From tomorrow onward... My life will be changed.