Another day, with another drop of tear.

Yesterday was rather horrifying, too much happened that are not within my control.

I told dad that I feel like committing suicide for numerous of times ever since I am trying my best to overcome these pile of stress that piles up day after day, after I realized how important it is for me to obtain a first class degree.

I tried my best to calculate the possibilities for more than three hours,and it is impossible anymore even if I am able to score GPA 4.0 for every trimester, since that two C+s of mine drags my CGPA down to a trash level, and I felt useless, so useless that I couldn't even cut off dad's financial burden.

Even though dad said that he saved enough for our education, I can't bring myself to trust his words, due to many reasons, that is.

I just... Can't.

Looking back to the me that was in my first year of secondary school -- A weakling that doesn't even know how to speak or to even understand proper English, proper Malay and a moderate level of Mandarin and Cantonese, someone mentally weak that made rather funny things that was being teased and bullied verbally by seniors, in a way that I felt like "Why do I deserve this? I'm just going to quit that school and that's it I'm not going to be a prefect anymore!"

Emotional stress has gotten into me for months and months, and somehow, I made it through the junior training, but the bullying doesn't end immediately. Right on that moment, I realized that I needed power, achievements to attain pride. At least, to me, if I could obtain all those achievements, I can shove them up to their face that I could achieve better than these bunch of bullies and show them that they suck.

Also, thanks to a friend that taught me so much on how important English language is, and my Malay teacher (Also my friend's mother) that was (I believe she still is) so passionate on teaching the language, and trying hard to tell me on what and how I should do to improvise my language. Thanks to these people around me, I've realized so many things that my language boosted from a pathetic level to something that could be shown to the world as a normal student.

I believe that I'm being blessed by the Gods (I'm a Buddhist), that I was able to obtain straight A's in PMR examinations and entered the science stream. Though, I've thought of switching to arts class because all these Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Additional Mathematics (and other crap) are giving me too much stress to cope with the lesson. It felt like my classmates were all pure geniuses and I'm just here, being an idiot throughout the lesson and ends up copying others' homework.

Grades for the first test was rather poor, too. And I sulked for the entire week because... Never for once in my life I had such poor grades back when I was in primary school or the years before PMR so yeah I did, sulking here and there, while trying my best to devote myself into my prefect job and pulling myself back together on how I should struggle over these years because...

For each time I see those seniors' face, and sometimes they would just enter my class during free time and saying things that aren't too pleasant for ears right behind me... All I felt was anger and the sense of wanting a revenge.

Oh, that was also the year when I started as a commander in the Girls' Guide marching band. It was hell, and yeah my band lost for the first year of my conducting because I was being inconsiderate and such. (Just how stupid was I back then?) And I felt so much shame for causing the entire team to lose, but I've made my decision to try harder in the following, and also my final year in the school.

As for the revenge part, it drove me so hard to study and ace my tests here and there, though there were subjects that I wasn't good at (Especially history and maths), but arts was something that I had my pride on, and that subject somehow pulled my grades back to the top and I maintained my ranking on the top of the class for the next three tests.

Then, elections for different posts in prefectorial board. (It's like board of prefects or you could just call it as a students' council, whichever that suits your liking.) and I received my post as a discipline advisor on that stage, right in front of those seniors that used to tease me back then. They whispered, threw glances that are showing signs of discrimination and such. (They resigned from being a prefect, and somehow became delinquents but heck it I'm now achieving more than they do.) It wasn't pleasant, but I knew my responsibility, not just for the same for the post and revenge, but the responsibility for the school's name and students in the school.

That name of the position, gave me so much of pressure that I even doubted my ability;
That name of the position, gave me an idea on the weight of bearing a name with pride;
That name of the position, gave me so much of experience in my life...
And I'm now thankful to my school, for them to give me this chance when my abilities were seriously doubted by primary school teachers just because I volunteered to be a prefect (And of course, I didn't because I was so quiet that they couldn't see what potentials I had.)

So yeah, thanks to that position that I had, I knew that I have to be serious and firm enough to make sure people would listen to instructions and follow the rules, even though I had to admit that I knew that the rules were rather absurd from time to time, and I could have suggested better implementations but... I didn't and I just went on until those seniors disappear from my sight.

I thought I've finally achieved my freedom from those bullying, but no. Until the first two months of my final year in secondary school, also, the year of SPM examinations, I wasn't able to manage my time and balance the weights of everything that I had to cascade my studies a little, and my rank dropped from first to second.

And the best part was, my drop in rank is the cause of celebration of other classmates.

"Hey, congratulations on beating her grades! Let's celebrate in Pizza Hut!"

Those words, straight from one of them, and I was in the scene. They hurt me so much, and they had no idea on the kind of pain that I bear, and how much of hatred I felt back then, but I just managed to let go, and climbed all the way back to the top for once again.

And also, for my marching team, that year consists with mostly my juniors that I'm closer with, and they are all cutie pies and willing to cooperate. I somehow managed to control my rage over matters, and yeah, we won the first place! And I completely forgot the celebration and studied all the way until one of them came to my classroom and literally dragged me to the canteen, which was two weeks later.

And starting from that moment, I managed to balance off my study time and things around that I could complete my work in school and played my PS3 happily at home for hours and hours, then tuition class for three times a week, and the time for the real exam arrived. Answered with mild level of confidence, and I graduated with the title of...

The scariest discipline advisor in legend. 

"What the hell," I thought, but yeah, at least that would be something for my teachers to remember. Hah!

Comparing to who I am right now, I'm not /THAT/ scary but I could be that scary when I want to and yeap. So much happened and I entered college with a full scholarship and here I am, studying my bachelors.

But right now, with this kind of stress that overtakes me, it's suffocating that I cried.

But I can't just leave my family or people around me in a selfish manner.

I got to do something.

And I will.